3 Weeks already?!

So I've been thinking, Miles is 3 weeks old already. Its hard to believe that he is almost a month old. This of course, led me to the realization that I only have 3 weeks left at home with the kids. This makes me sad. I know that my schedule is great when it comes to the kids, and that my work is something I enjoy, but I am seriously sad again when I think about leaving him home. Initially I will only go back 2 days a week for six weeks, but it still saddens me. I don't want to go back to work. I'd rather be home with my kids. We all do what we have to do, and I know I will settle back into a routine, and eventually I will be happy that I have daily adult interaction, but for now I'm mostly wishing that I didn't have to go back to work. :(

Happy Belated Christmas

I would just like to take a moment to update those of you praying for Kaiya. She went home from the hospital, which is a blessing. Continue praying for her as she still has some recovery ahead of her.

Thankful

I am taking a minute to reflect on the blessings that I have been given. I am so blessed to have such a beautiful, healthy family. It has struck me even more so in the past couple of days. Recently a friend of a friend's baby was struck with bacterial meningitis. This baby is 10 weeks old, and it has been a terrible time for them. While I don't know them personally, I ache for them, and pray for them as their daughter fights through this infection. I check their blog daily for updates and am eager to hear that she is doing better. As much as I love and trust God, I don't understand why things like this happen, especially to little innocent people. I ask that anyone who reads this pray for this little girl. Every little bit helps.

Germaphobia

Okay, so I know I am a bit of a germaphobe. I like anyone else, hate to be sick. But I think I'm beginning to pass the acceptable level of germaphobia and cross into an unhealthy obssesion. I realize that having a newborn in the house makes it worse, because I worry for him as well as myself. However, I am struggling very much right now. I think that I honestly worry so much about getting sick that I make myself sick. Currently, there are several wicked viruses making their rounds through work, extended family, and church. Luckily, with a newborn, I have avoided all the people that are sick, by staying home on maternity leave. Some day soon I will have to venture out of my bedroom sanctuary and expose not only myself, but my new son to the germs all around. I can deal with a cold. Somehow, those are not nearly as frightening. What I am TERRIFIED of is a stomach virus. I hate throwing up, though I am better with it now since I threw up so much during the first trimester of my most recent pregnancy, but the thought of throwing up and caring for my newborn scares the crap out of me. Still worse is the thought of him getting sick. Why is it so scary for me? I'm having anxiety just typing about it? And why is a stomach bug so much worse, its usually over in less than a day, while a cold can turn into sinus infections, bronchitis, and ear infections and last well over a week. How do I make this unnecesary worry leave me? It comes in waves. There will be times in my life where I don't worry about it as much. And then there are times like now where thinking about it causes me to panic. Pray for me...I think I may be mentally unstable. Perhaps its the hormones readjusting thats causing me to stress unduly. Who knows. This too shall pass. . .along with my nights of constantly interrupted sleep. I'm a zombie, maybe that has something to do with it as well.

Some pics of Miles

Guess I wasn't crazy. . .

Miles Jay Keen
December 6, 2008
7lb3oz 18 inches

Perfectly perfect and totally natural. Thats right. I'm a rock star.


So I guess I wasn't totally crazy.

Still crazy

So yesterday's contractions turned out to be nothing. Then of course around 1 am today, they come back with a vengance. They are a bit more intense, and I'm actually considering waking Jeremy up and making him get up with me just in case. I don't want to be dumb though and over think every thing. I never went into the hospital with false labor with Maggie, so I feel sort of silly getting so worked up about this one since she was my first and I feel like I should know better. But the contractions aren't letting me sleep, and I don't even have my bag fully packed yet. Ugh, this being a woman thing is tricky. Why can't we just know everything we are supposed to know?

Am I Crazy?

So I am not sure I remember what labor feels like. I'm afraid I'll miss it somehow. Like I'll just be so busy that I won't realize its happening. Until I woke up at like 3am this morning with some definite contraction action going on. Now, I'm not sure that I'm actually in labor, but the contractions are strong enough that they are waking me up in the middle of the night, and that says something right? Maybe it just means I am on the right road. Anyway, its 5:34 AM, and I'm sick of getting in and out of bed due to the discomfort, so I just got up. I'm downstairs in the living room by myself hanging out, watching the channel five news, and messing around on the computer. I wish I could just speed things up so I can know whether they are going to continue to get stronger and closer together, or whether I just need to keep chugging water and get ready for work. Man, if life wasn't such a mystery! So I just wait. Wait.

Turkey Day

So I am really proud of myself. I made my first Thanksgiving meal here in my home. I cooked a turkey. Made stuffing, corn pudding, green bean casserole, jello, rolls, sweet potatoes, pumpkin pie. My mother in law made the mashed potatoes, and it turned out great! We stuffed ourselves and have plenty of leftovers, as it should be! Yeah for me, all of this being about 9 months pregnant. I think I deserve an award. I also think I deserve a day off. :) Luckily I will at least get the latter. I am happy to have some time to spend with family, and thankful for those around me. God is good, and so is life!

Contemplative

I can't help but keep thinking about the fact that we have an African-American president for the very first time. I am so excited! I am thrilled with the choice for president. I did vote for Obama, and though I knew he was going to be elected, I couldn't have fathomed the real sense of accomplishment until it happened. I know that some people are not happy about the results of the election, as they disagree so much with certain issues, or big government or whatever. But stop and think for a moment. My child will never have to know what it was like to live in a country that had not yet moved to the point of being able to elect an African-American as president. It will always be a part of her sense of patriotism. This moment has opened up new opportunities for so many people. Some day Maggie could be president if she really wanted to! I truly think that Obama is going to be a great leader, and with support from those around him, both republican and democrat, our country has a real chance for positive change. Now is the time.

The things you learn from Google.

For those of you that have ever had a migraine headache, you can throw up your hands and give me props now. I had one of my worst EVER yesterday! It left me feeling dead even a day later. Lets not forget the fact that all I can take for the throbbing and wretching mass of tissue that is my brain, is TYLENOL! TYLENOL! Who even invented that stuff, and does it really even do anything? I totally feel hungover, even though I don't know what that feels like. I am stumbling through a haze today, clumsy, and fairly incoherent. My eyes are still sensitive to light, which led me wanting to wear my sunglasses in the office this morning. I am puzzled by this phenonmenon. I googled "recovering from a migraine" and found out that I a not crazy, and that most people indeed have migraine hangovers. There is even a technical term for it called "postdrome." So if people expect you to show up at work the day after a migraine all chipper and back to yourself, just remind them that you are probably going to be hung over for at least a day, if not two. Who knew?

ESPN has heart

My friend shared this on his blog, and it touched me. I felt compelled to share it as well. Enjoy.

Lost and losing it

I am all for freedom of speech. I am so thankful that our country allows each individual the right to say and think what they truly want to, with the exception of a couple restrictions by the freedom of information act or whatever. I am glad that people feel so passionately about the election this year. I am hopeful that whomever ends up being president will really try to do the best for the country that they possibly can.

But let me be frank. I am sick of people trying to persuade me one way or the other. I know how I am voting, and I really detest the way that everyone, on both sides, but from my experience, certain parties are worse than others in this regard. Clearly we are at odds with how we weigh the issues and how we choose to vote. However, I fully acknowledge everyone's desire to see the best choice made for this country. I do not doubt that everyone is voting for the candidate that they think is best. We don't have to agree, but lets at least respect each other's right to choose where they feel God is leading them. I have no doubt that many Christians feel very strongly that McCain is the right choice for president, and I can see their arguments and their points are valid. Let's stop bickering. But at the same time, I know that the other Christians that I know who will vote for Obama, are just as passionate about the reasons which lead them in the another direction. I have yet to endorse a specific candidate, but I'm sick of people trying to persuade me one way or the other. I do not want to tell someone else who to choose. I feel as though people don't have enough faith in each other to let them make their own decision without judgement. If I wanted to be told who to vote for, I would ask, and so far I haven't asked anyone. And I am not looking forward to the haughty attitude that either side will have once the final numbers come back and a president is chosen. If I didn't feel so strongly about my right to vote, I would really consider walking away from the polls this year. But since I value my right to vote, despite the electoral college really making the difference, I vote for women everywhere in the US and for people in other countries who have no choice about their leader. But I'm sickened. Truly sad and disappointed in all that I see in the political realm. I'm eager to see the election over with.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

So today is my birthday. It has been fairly uneventful. I figured that the best part of the day would be my nap. What nap!? Of all the days for Maggie to not want to take a nap, it had to be today. But anyway, I appreciate all of the love and well wishes from everyone. One of my best friends is bringing carry out Olive Garden to my house so we can watch Grey's and enjoy good food. Jeremy, the dear, is stopping at Sonic to get me a shake and a cup of their amazing ice, as that is my biggest craving this pregnancy, ice. Its the little things that make birthdays awesome. I also got an amazing new CD by Kasey Chambers, and a new book by one of my favorite authors, the author of the book Wicked. I am excited for another year, though I've never been closer to 30 than I am today, but I guess the same will be true tomorrow. Life is good!

Not long enough

When you are pregnant a second time, it just completely flies by. Currently my count down puts me with 9 weeks left. I'm starting to feel that burst of nesting energy that makes me want to clean and clean and sort and organize and arrange. Then of course, by the time I get halfway into a project, the tiredness gets to me and I need a nap. However, I've much to do before Baby 2 arrives, and if Baby 2 is anything like Maggie, then I really only have 7 1/2 weeks. So lets recap what is left to do for the baby:

1. Finish packing up all remnants of our studio/office, thus turning it into an infant's room.
2. Buy a curtain rod and hang curtains in the room.
3. Stain/paint both the changing table and crib (though Jeremy will really be doing this project.)
4. Buy a crib mattress.
5. Get all the newborn stuff out of the garage.
6. Wash all the bedding for the new baby's crib.
7. Make the crib sheets using the pattern I found on the internet.
8. Put it all together. . .am I forgetting anything?

Help! I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day. And these tasks clearly do not include all of the daily/weekly basics that must get done, such as laundry, dinner, work, etc. Plus I decided to make my daughter's Halloween costume this year. . .why do I take on more that I can really handle. At least the costume will be easy. I don't know why I am feeling so crafty lately, but I have begun creating a line of sock monsters, which I may end up selling on the internet, though I haven't completely decided that yet. I plan on making alot of them while I am on maternity leave if I do get into it, and hopefully sell some so that the pinch on our bank accounts for an unpaid maternity leave will be slightly less painful. But who knows if I will have time for all that mess while I am nursing a little one and chasing a bigger one. We'll just see. One thing at a time right? So say a prayer for my racing mind. I've got to go check on dinner!

The end of things

So, I've lately had to come to terms with the fact that all of the classic TV shows have to end sometime. How many seasons did 7th Heaven last before they made their final farewell? 11 Seasons. Not the most well-written or acted show, but one that had a special place in my heart. Was I sad to see it end? Yes, I was. Even sadder that they tried to resurrect it after they did the series finale.

But far worse than that, I've come to the realization that one of my most favorite shows of all time is nearing an end. This show has been on so long that I can hardly remember that there was a time it wasn't on. Its sort of part of my routine. Its part of my life, as sad and disturbing as that may be. My Thursday nights will not be complete without ER. 14 seasons of ER. This show has been on since my freshman year of high school. Thats 14 years of my life spending most Thursday nights at 9 in front of the TV. And before TiVo or DVR, I dreaded going out on a Thursday, for fear of what I might miss. This year it ends. This season its over. I say a sad goodbye to Thursdays spent with my mom enthralled by the exciting plots. I say goodbye to Thursdays that I spent volunteering at the youth center, while my mom taped the show for me. I say goodbye to my current Thursdays of Grey's Anatomy followed by ER. My night of medical shows will soon be a part of history.

So I take a moment to salute my favorite doctors over the years. Doctor Green, who sadly succumbed to cancer. Dr. Susan Lewis, who left to be with her young child. Dr. Doug Ross, the hottie whose haircut influenced millions of guys throughout his stint on the show. Dr. Lockhart, who started out as Abby, the nurse, the alcoholic, and the one I will miss the most. Lastly Dr. Pratt, who died on the show last week. I am not looking forward to the final farewell, but since it is unavoidable, I will watch the rest of the season, and let go of a part of my youth. Goodbye ER. You will be missed.

A moment of reflection

I have to admit that the upcoming election has pushed me through a range of emotions. I have been discouraged by the prospects for our country. I have been hopeful that some sort of change in leadership will be positive for our country. I have been angry at the bashing that passes back and forth from party to party. I have debated in my own mind, and heard others share for whom and why they are voting. As I did my devotions tonight, I felt like God has shown a light on my choice for America's next president. Without saying who I am voting for, I feel compelled to share my reasoning for my choice. I refuse to try and persuade anyone to vote one way or another. Each person should choose as they feel led. However, as I read 1 Timothy tonight, a passage struck me, and it is the reason I am finally making a choice to vote for one person over another.

Here it is:

1 Timothy 2:1-3

"I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for everyone --- for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior. . ."

I feel like God is showing me that a choice for peace, is a choice for Christ. What would Jesus want us to consider when selecting a candidate. I think that in our tumultuous times, choosing peace is what Christ would do above all. So that is the vote I will make. It will be a vote for peace.

Struggle

I am thoroughly frustrated. I have had a sore throat for about 3-4 weeks now. I've been to the doctor and had 2 strep tests. Both were negative. I went back again to the doctor, because this sore throat has been keeping me up at night. So after going back again, what do they tell me? They tell me that it could be a sinus infection, or a virus. The option is to either take an antibiotic or just wait it out. So I opted to give the antibiotic a shot, just because I am so sick of this sore throat. Its the only real symptom and it puzzles me. So, I wish that at my work, I got paid to make random guesses and just hope that it turns out ok. I mean what if I told parents, here is this new staff person. They may, or may not be harmful to your children. The only way to find out is to put them with the kids for awhile and wait it out. We'll see what happens. Its just frustrating, and I'm tired enough as it is. I did realize though, through some discussion with my small group tonight though, that I have not been venting to God about this issue. Perhaps there is a reason that God has me dealing with all of this while being pregnant and working. I haven't taken the time to really talk to Him about it, so I think I'll have to spend some time in prayer. I think I need to slow down and be alone for a bit. It might help.

Tagged

I guess I got tagged. Is that the same as punked? I hope not. I am posting the rules as Molly as requested. http://bloggingmollyr.blogspot.com/

Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post. (I don't know HOW I will do this!).
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know your entry is up.

Just so you know though, I'm not sure I know 6 bloggers to tag, but I'll try.

1. I wear a necklace almost every day that has a little bit of my mom's ashes in it and I once called it grandma jokingly and now Maggie calls it grandma. Way to go me.

2. I love to cook.

3. One of my favorite books of all time is Blindness by Jose Saramago, and I just found out they made a movie and it comes out next weekend. I am beyond pumped, but a little afraid they won't do the book justice.

4. I hate orange flavored things. By this I mean artificially flavored orange. So by default I do not eat the orange skittles, starburst, fruit snacks, gummie bears or anything else like that, I pick them out. Luckily Jeremy does eat them otherwise we would be wasteful.

5. I've been with the same employer in a different capacity for almost 8 years now and it makes me feel old.

6. I think I'm fed up enough with my dog to get rid of her. Does that make me a terrible person or just terribly pregnant?


I am tagging:

1.Charissa
2. Lucas
3. Kurtis and/or Jess
4. Abby Breyer
5. Milli
6. Amber

Post away you guys. You better or else.

Halfway there

So the much anticpated wedding took place yesterday evening. It was a day of mishaps that ended with a beautiful ceremony, a gorgeous bride, and a really fun reception. So now we are halfway through our weekend marathon. Through this trying weekend, what else is going on but a hurricane right smack where our family is in Houston. So say a prayer for Houston, and for the rest of this weekend. I also feel like I might have strep throat so, its been a weekend of challenges so far. I need a couple of days off to just sleep!

Life is a party

I spent last night with a bunch of girls in the city doing a bachelorette party old school style. We all met up at the bride's house to park and then went together to Cesar's, home of the killer margaritas. Let's not fail to mention that the Guiness Oyster fest was going on about 2 blocks from her house. Also, I passed by about 3 or 4 different block partys. Suffice it to say, finding parking was a horror of horrors. Now I am by no means a city girl, and driving to the city by myself is a big feat. Driving by myself in these conditions is like a different version of the show Man vs. Wild, but more like Sam vs. City. I drove up and down the streets trying to figure out what to do. Of course, my hormonal pregnant body cooperated by sending me into a tizzy of tears as I tried to find a spot to park, passing by spots too small, and inflatable jumpers blocking huge sections of street parking. Finally though, I spot a guy leaving, hooray! I'm pumped, but to my dismay, there are five cars behind me that will have to suffer through the atrocity that is Sam trying to parallel park. As luck, or God would have it, I back right in, and do one correctional adjustment. I ended up about 5 blocks away from the house, but I FOUND A PARKING SPOT AND PARALLEL PARKED IN THE CITY BY MYSELF! We were only an hour and a half late for our reservations to Cesar's. After taking the brown line, which was interesting with a bunch of us suburban folks, we walked about 10 blocks?. (Half the ladies didn't know how to buy a pass and insert it through the turnstile.) We did end up at the home of the killer margaritas, with yours truly unable to join in the drinklicious festivities. I had a sweet tea and a burrito bowl, and tons of delicious chips and salsa. After a couple of hours we headed back the other direction. We had a good time,and it took me an hour and a half to drive home due to crazy traffic at 11:30 at night. My ankles are a bit sore, but we had fun! Good times for all. I think the party continued after I left, as they were opening gifts and going out to a bar afterward. I figured the pregnant lady should head home for some much needed sleep. I was right.

House of Brides Revisited

I have to touch on a topic that I have already discussed previously. I have already voiced a major complaint about House of Brides, but I must revisit the topic once again.

First let me say that the customer service at House of Brides is far from service. We ordered dresses from them in April, for a wedding scheduled on September 12th. Just before we ordered them, we found out I was pregnant. They told us our options were to buy a different dress or just as easily order 2 yards of chiffon fabric and they will do the alterations. They never stated that it would be additional to the flat rate of alterations ($80). So we opted for orderiing the extra fabric. Then, they ordered the dresses in the wrong color, and did not contact anyone to let them know. They simply shipped them back to the company that they ordered them from. The bride happened to call and check on the dresses to see if they were in, and only then was she told that they had ordered them wrong and that they had to re-order them. That left us with four weeks to get alterations done. So we took our dresses to someone else to see if they could be altered by them. The said they couldn't do anything because House of Brides did not order the liner that was needed to fix the dress. So we spent a week leaving messages with the alterations department at House of Brides to have the dress looked at. Fast forward to today, a mere 13 days prior to the wedding. The alterations department finally calls and tells me to come in at 10 today with the dress so they can look at it. Its fixable, but it will be $125. Plus they tried to claim that we never paid for the additional fabric, so they wanted to charge us an additional $50 or so bucks for the fabric, which has been paid for once already. We can't prove it though, because they did the order over the phone and never sent us the receipt they were supposed to send. So the bride, once before already had to pull her credit card statement to show that she paid for the fabric. So after some discussion about all the problems, the manager finally shows up to talk to us. (We'd been there for an hour and half already.) She can't seem to come up with any way to remedy the situation. She wants to know why didn't just order a bigger dress and have it taken in. That was never given as an option to us. So finally she tells us the $125 is a discounted alterations rate, and its the lowest she can go. Plus its due up front, and in cash! Has anyone ever heard of alterations being paid for before they were made? And in cash?! So the groom is with us, and he starts asking some simple questions about receipts and orders, and the manager says, I am done answering your questions. You need to leave. So he asks her another question, and she has an associate call 911 to have him escorted out of the store, but before the police can arrive, we exit the building, dress and fabric in hand. The police then go into the store and we are told by him that they no longer want us as customers, and that they refuse to do our alterations. The wedding is in 13 days! So now I am on a mission this afternoon to find a maternity dress that needs no alterations. Most of the bridesmaids have already had their dresses done, all but one I think. So our solution is to just go get me a different dress and leave it at that. However, I am so discouraged by the service there, that I want to do everything I can to make sure that no one I know gives them any business. I think I am a little in shock as to how they have handled everything. I could understand if the groom had yelled or threatened anyone, but he merely asked some questions, and now they are completely refusing services. I will be reporting this to the BBB.

What does my heart break for?

I'm trying to figure out where God is leading me. I think of the words from the song Hosanna:

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me

Break my heart from what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdoms cause
As I go from earth in
Eternity

I don't know what God wants me to do, but I know he wants me to get more involved. Its a struggle for me. Being pregnant and having a small child, makes it difficult to figure out my place. I don't feel completely whole unless I am serving in some way, but I can't figure out where God wants me. I want my heart to break for the same things God's hear breaks for. I want everything I do to be for the purpose of helping people find God. I want to love people. I just don't know where my talents and passions are. Thats one thing I've always struggled with in my life. I have never found my true passion, besides loving God. I have never found that ONE thing that I do better than the rest. My heart breaks for many things. Where to start though?

Lifes little dilemmas hit you in a big way

So, I am taking a moment to vent on the horrible, terrible, no good service at House of Brides. I begin with the fact that I am in a wedding in September. The 12th to be exact. We ordered the dresses about a month before we found out I was pregnant with number two. So we called them in the nick of time. They told us we had two options, which were both easy. Either come in and try on the maternity dresses and pick one out, and they would exchange the first one for that one no problem. Or we could order additional fabric and have the dress altered. I figured, being the lazy person that I am that we would just order the fabric. Enter mid July, dresses come in, in the WRONG color. They have to be shipped back and re-ordered. Thus they are. We receive them last week. That puts us at about 5 weeks pre-wedding. I pick up the dress today and head to the tailor that will alter it, along with the designated fabric. She begins to fit me and realizes they have only ordered fabric for the sheer layer of the dress, and not for the liner. Thus, alterations cannot be done on this dress. Dilemma? Now we have two choices, go back to incompetent HOB and see if they can order the liner, leaving a very short period of time to get major alterations done on a dress, with major costs for the alterations as well, or try to get them to take the dress back and still exchange it for a maternity version that we will have to buy directly off the rack in order to have enough time for alterations to be done. I thought David's Bridal was bad when I got married, but clearly, HOB is worse. Do I have time for all their crap? I would say no! :)

Something about being pregnant and the fall. . .

So something about being pregnant, and something about fall, always makes me nostalgic. Here are some things I keep thinking about that take me back to being a kid, and are comforting. I thought all would be food related, but I found a few that weren't.

1. Fall makes me want to bake. Being pregnant makes me want to eat. These two things go hand in hand, and they make me happy. I can't wait to bake some delicious treats for Jeremy, Maggie, Baby K 2 and myself. (Perhaps I'll even share with those outside my home, that live nearby.)

2. School supplies. I love the smell of them. I love the look of them. I love the feel of them. I'm fighting buying things I don't need, but doing well so far.

3. I am craving candy that I ate as a child. There is nothing I want more than a pack of Cherry Cola Now 'and Laters, but I will have to settle for some random flavor I can buy at Walmart. I used to be able to go to this little store and pick from 50 different flavors, ten cents a pack. I had a little brown paper bag I would fill with about 5 dollars worth, and I would eat them one after the other. I also ate sour patch candy, which I truly adore. Razzles were also a real favorite, as well as Chiclets.

4. Fall makes me think of my mom, as we both celebrate our birthdays in the fall. Something about fall makes me think of mom! In a happy sort of way!

5. Fall makes me want to go shoe shopping! For me and for Maggie. Luckily, she shares my love of shoes, and begins taking off her current pair on site of the shoe aisles at any store. She is always ready to try on a new pair! Thank you God!

6. Crock pot cooking. This is not something that my mom did much of, however, my aunts and my grandmother have thoroughly impressed the ease and comfort of a slow cooked meal that requires little effort on my part. There is something about the smell when you walk in the house at the end of the day, knowing dinner is already ready already! ( I have some good crockpot recipes if you want them!)


These are a few of my nostalgic fall thoughts. If you have any great baking recipes or crock pot ideas, feel free to post them as comments. I would love to try them and share them with others!

Olympic Fever

I can't help it. This is one area where my patriotism shines through, and I cheer for the USA. The OLYMPICS! They are finally here, and I am pumped! I've only been able to watch a little bit so far, but I can't wait to watch Phelps win his gold medals in swimming. I am hopeful for women's basketball. There is so much to be excited about.

The opening ceremonies were seriously a ceremonies to remember. It was intense, vivid, intimidating, and beautiful all at the same time. It was truly awe-inspiring. I hope that everyone can join in the Olympic spirit and cheer for their countries!. I can't wait to watch gymnastics!

Good times, great storms

So last night was a rough night for weather. We had some friends over for dinner, and the electricty went out just as we finished eating. It was fun spending some time electronics free with good friends. We had candles lit and just talked and laughed and goofed around. There is nothing like neighbor to neighbor morse code, or disco flashlight dance parties. Granted the electricty was off until almost 3am, leaving us roasting in a fan free, ac free house. We also got to wake up to the sound of the air kicking back on, and then stay awake to listen to our daughter play with toys, as she must have woken up to the fan, ac, and night light coming back on all at once. But I love storms. I didn't realize that there were tornado warnings because we didn't have the tv or internet to check the weather, but there were no sirens so there were no worries right? It was a good time and a GREAT strom.

Is it really almost over?

Ok, so I honestly feel that this topic is already getting overdone, but is summer really almost over already? I mean the past couple of nights the weather has been very cool. Almost chilly. I walked through target and had to avoid the school supplies because I'm a junkie when it comes to that stuff. I really wanted to make home-made soup the other day. All I could think about was October and how the Family channel always has like 30 days of scary stuff on TV. I got super-excited. Now the beginning of the school year always brings mixed emotions for me. So much of my job revolves around the school calendar, and my hardest time of year is at the very beginning, and requires me to be to work by 6:15 and usually work until about 6pm. But there is something about sipping a hot cup of coffee on my drive to a school, and watching the sun come up. Being back in the schools is fun. And before we know it, its Christmas. And this year, that will mean a new little bundle at our house. This too, has me nervous and excited. I'm not ready to say goodbye to summer yet, but I am started to get pumped for fall!

Please tell me what you think of the following potential boys names:
(Which you like most and least, etc.)

Elliot
Benjamin
Griffin
Bennet
Colton
Miles
Sebastian

Reasons unknown

I forgot the date. I don't know what that means. The month of July befuddles me. I spend the beginning, dreading the end, but then can't remember the actual date of my mom's death. Her murder. Its terrible to forget, but I don't know if its worse to remember. I had to dig. I had to know in that moment that I forgot. I had to make myself remember. I had to pull out the police report and look at the officer's small script, and make myself remember. Once I saw the date, I shoved the report back into the file cabinet. I want to remember, but I don't want to remember everything. There are parts I want to forget. There are parts I never wanted to know. There are parts I still don't know. I forget her voice. I want to hear it in my head. Her laugh, but I can't. We couldn't afford a video camera. I have no way to replay that sound for me. That sound I heard so often, for so many years. The sound that followed me long after she stopped dancing with me to the King and I. She taught me to waltz, to The King and I. The sound that chased me as I rode my toothpaste green Aquafresh bike she won for me in one of her contests. I can't hear it anymore. I try. I try but it won't come back. I can vaguely make out my name on her lips. I can almost hear her call me Samantha. I was never Sam to her. Never, in all my years. I still know her smell. It haunts in the mall, as I pass some woman wearing her perfume. But by the time I catch it, the lady is passed, the smell gone. Its strange how life continues, and how our memories are made to fade. I am sure we are made that way for a reason. Reasons unknown. How depressing. Don't worry too much. I'm sure my blogs will pick up in mood once the 21st passes.
July 21, 2004. The date.

That time of year

So, we're coming up on the anniversary of my mom's death. I thought that each year it would get easier, but generally speaking, it just doesn't. At least now, more of the memories and thoughts are happy moments that I reflect on, instead of pure sadness. I miss her as much as ever, though I obviously don't let it rule my life. Something about July makes me anxious and sad. Yesterday a young girl came in to fill out an application for employment where I work, and her phone rang. It was the ring that was on my cell phone when I got the call about my mom. . .and somehow it still makes me sick to my stomach to hear it. I was listening to music that I hadn't heard in quite some time, and Nickel Creek's "When You Come Back Down" brought me to tears, as it was a CD I shared with my mom. So I leave you with these lyrics.


"When You Come Back Down"

You got to leave me now, you got to go alone
You got to chase a dream, one that's all your own
Before it slips away
When you're flyin' high, take my heart along
I'll be the harmony to every lonely song
That you learn to play

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

I'll keep lookin' up, awaitin' your return
My greatest fear will be that you will crash and burn
And I won't feel your fire
I'll be the other hand that always holds the line
Connectin' in between your sweet heart and mine
I'm strung out on that wire

And I'll be on the other end, To hear you when you call
Angel, you were born to fly, If you get too high
I'll catch you when you fall
I'll catch you when you fall

[Bridge:]
Your memory's the sunshine every new day brings
I know the sky is calling
Angel, let me help you with your wings

When you're soarin' through the air
I'll be your solid ground
Take every chance you dare

I'll still be there
When you come back down
Take every chance you dare,
I'll still be there
When you come back down
When you come back down

Nothing very exciting

Today we went and bought some vegetable plants from a local nursery. The lady was so glad they were wanted in time to plant, that she gave them to us for free. She said that she was just happy to see them get a home, because if they weren't planted soon they were going to go to waste. I'm not sure if they will take, but if they do, we'll have some heirloom tomatoes, butternut squash, zucchini, broccoli, and wax beans to add to our already awesome tomatoes, basil and rosemary plants. I'm excited to give it a shot. Its nice to be able to put my energy into something positive and productive. I've been a bit discouraged with certain circumstances in my life, which I cannot really go into on the blog. I just see the possibility of my life taking a different path soon, whatever that means, I am not totally sure. I'm excited to see what the future brings with the new baby and such. Life is good. God is good.

Is a feminist a bad Christian?

Ok, so this could be a touchy topic for people, and I encourage you to comment if you wish, but also recommend that you not read the following entry if you are either vehemently feminist or extreme on the opposite end of the spectrum. That forewarning being said, we delve into touchy issues that may upset anyone that might read this post.

So, I was driving home from work, and happened to be listening to Moody radio, which I both enjoy and question on a regular basis. Today's topic, at the time of my drive, was that of submission to your husband. This is a topic that can be delicate for many women, and I am one of those. I don't know if it is my upbringing or my liberal arts college degree, but something gets me every time I listen to a sermon, speech, radio show, basically anything that talks about a woman's role being to submit to her husband. I also struggle with the position that it is a woman's role to submit to her husband in all things, and that their is joy in total obedience to this way of life. I feel that marriage is an equal partnership, and that we both give and take on a regular basis.

The thing that got me the most about this particular discussion was the topic of a woman's role of submission to her husband's sexual requests. The speakers emphasized a woman's role physically to be submitting to her husband despite her emotional state or level of energy. I guess I just plain disagree that a woman should put out whenever her husband wants it because it is their role to submit to their husband. I do realize that there are times when one must compromise their immediate wants and desires to give to someone else, but I find it highly disturbing to think that a woman should think of themselves as merely an avenue for their husband's needs. Am I selfish? Too forward thinking? Am I flat out wrong? I don't know. I suppose in an ideal world, if a woman was always willing to submit themselves physically then a good husband would be respectful of their needs as well, and perhaps not push at a difficult time for them. They just focused on the fact that a woman's body is not her own and that if it is truly God's, than this is the way to live. Every fiber of my being says that this can't be right.

So, thats my crazy rambling vent. Sorry if I offend, but I just get very frustrated when I think that a woman is most of all a means of sexual gratification for her husband.

Good for the environment. . .but will it be successful?

So I am considering the strange idea of indoor vermicomposting. I know it may sound weird, but basically you can build an indoor composting system using redworms. It may gross some people out, but it sounds really easy. You just use two smallish rubbermaid bins, drill some holes, add some newspaper and a handful of dirt, and then add vegetable and fruit kitchen scraps as you make them. The worms keep it from smelling, as long as you don't overfeed them. From what I've read, people haven't had added household pests. It can be kept outside as long as its not too hot or too cold. (Which may be never here in Illinois.)It would cut down on garbage that goes out each week, hopefully cutting disposal costs. It would allow us to make our own natural fertilizer for our plants, which I think would be very beneficial for the rotten soil we have in our backyard. And like it says in the title, it would be good for the environment. I'm not sure if I could stick with it though. . .would I just be starting another un-enduring habit? I'm interested to hear what people think about this.

My bad habit. . .

So I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them. Ok, maybe not necessarily finishing them, per say, but I have a bad habit of starting hobbies, and then getting bored with them. I have a sewing machine in my garage that I was never really able to learn to sew on, because no one I knew, knew how to show me and was available at my whim to show me whenever I needed them to. I was afraid I would break it if I tried to teach myself. I also have 2 acoustic guitars, from when I learned to play in college. I really got into for a brief period, about 2 years. I pick it up occasionally, but not often. I love to cook. This hobby has not died off, but taken a hiatus until I am able to cook real meals without retching at the smells. Once this happens I will be back to experimenting with more recipes again. I just got a new camera, and I hope that I really can learn about it and take really awesome pictures! If not, it will still be used for regular pictures. I also really, really, really want to grow my own vegetable garden, but I am so afraid that I will either ruin it, or get started and fizzle out half way through the growing season, and all the poor little plants (investments), will die off. So I need to choose rugged vegetables that will continue to grow without much assistance. I also need a bigger yard if I am to tackle this project. Otherwise our whole yard will be vegetables. Anyway, I am posting some pictures I took with my new camera. Comment on them if you want. They are simple, and maybe boring, but I'm just figuring out settings and such.

Where does the time go?

Ok, so I am extremely aware that it has been ages since my last post. I have also been extremely aware of many other such unenjoyable things in my life. However, I spent my last post complaining about all my pregnancy symptoms, so I will spend this post trying to focus on something else.


I'm not sure there is anything else. . .

Needless to say, when I was pregnant with Maggie, I thoroughly appreciated the relatively seamless pregancy. An acute lack of the usual complaints that surrounded me from all of my pregnant friends. Never did I once take it for granted that I had an easy pregnancy. I was continually telling God and my husband how thankful and lucky I was. So why this punishment? Who knows?

I would like to say, at least I am seeming to be on the mend. It appears as though I can have a sip of caffeine now without curling up in the fetal position due to a migraine that I cannot take any medication for. Hurray for me! I also ate in a restaurant without having to leave or make an urgent trip to the loo. Another hurray!

So I can't complain too much. I do have to comment on an aspect of this pregnancy that also has me puzzled. Those of you who know me, are well aware that I tend not to be much of a cryer, however, it does not take much to make me cry at this point in time. (Also something I did not encounter while pregnant with Maggie.) Lets make a list of Sam's most recent cries:
1. I'm hungry but nothing sounds good. . .sob
2. Jeremy threw out the rest of my Tastefully simple Farmer's Medley dip (accidentally). . .weep
3. I don't think Maggie likes me. . .boohoo
4. The slightest suggestion or opinion about anything that I am doing, whether it be home or work related. (Sorry to those I work with.)

I can only think of one time that I cried unnecessarily with Maggie, and that was when the dog chewed my flip flop, and I flipped out. I was hysterical, and called Jeremy freaking out about how I can never wear them again and they are the only thing that don't hurt my feet, I got them in Texas so I can't replace them, blobbity blah. Upon closer inspection the next morning, I realized the error of my ways. Clearly the dog picked them up with her teeth, and then realized her mistake. They were very much wearable, and are worn to this day. The things we go through to build a child.

Ugh

So, I really don't want to turn into one of those complainy pregnant women, no offense to anyone out there that may be, may have been, or may have been labeled one at some point in their lives. I have to say though, that I really really enjoyed my first pregnancy. I was not throwing up, which is a thumbs up in my book. I do recall being very tired, but not as emotional as I am this time either. I have a short temper now, and can be pushed to tears much easier than ever in my life. I am still sick. I can go almost a week, lulled into the false sense of security that the sickness is over, then BAM. Back to barfing. I'm at a loss. I want to sleep all the time. The heartburn has already begun, and last time, it didn't kick in until the end. I'm hoping these next several months go by quickly. Not to be unappreciative of this blessing that God has given us, I just am not myself lately.

Its official

The picture says it all. I feel yucky, but I hope that it will be worth it.

His Love Will Cover You. . .Like a Wing

I am tired. I don't want to cook. I don't want to eat. I don't want to go to the grocery store. I don't want to do laundry. I don't want to do the dishes. I don't want to sweep the floor. I don't want to go outside and play. I want to rest.

Has it Really Been 20 Days?

Ok, so apparently its been 20 days since my last post. In part, because I work two really long weeks which included four days that consisted of me working for about 12 hours straight. Not the most fun, but necessary at this time of year. The other reason why I haven't updated is that we're pretty boring.

Some new things on the Maggie front.

Newer Maggie words: Taco, No, Up, Becky, and Shirt

Maggie can also now do an array of animal noises including, but not limited to:

Dog, Cat, Rooster, Chicken, Sheep, Cow, Monkey, Lion, Bear, Pig, Elephant, and I probably missed some.

Also, she is getting another molar in, and has been a beast for the past couple of days. We're getting through it though.

Also, she has recently become jealous whenever I hug or kiss Jeremy she throws a fit, so we do it alot just to make her mad. (Plus she just has to get used to it. I was here first, and I'll be here after she's out of the house!)

One other funny Maggie story. I was watching World Trade Center, that movie with Nicholas Cage, only because someone bought it for us. And while the scene itself was not funny, Maggie's reaction was. The building collapsed on a couple of police officers, and as they are screaming and writhing in agony, Maggie is screaming and mimicking them and laughing her head off. She thought it was very funny they were yelling, and wanted to join in the party.

Jeremy's new store opened, and it was a big success. Lets not go into numbers, but their grand opening brought in three times as much as their biggest day! Go hot stuff!

He has been playing shows here and there, and will be featured in the Red Eye sometime soon I believe, which is pretty cool.

Sam has nothing new going on worth posting. If that changes you will all be the first to know. She is working the same old job. Lugging around the same old kid. And married to the same old dude. Things are good on the Keen front.

I'm throwing some random pictures of Maggie up here that are somewhat amusing.

I love technology. . .sometimes

Seriously annoyed. That is what I am. My computer has been gone for 6 weeks getting the keyboard replaced, which is a big deal since its a laptop. Also, its a big deal for me because I'm mildly addicted to my computer. So its gone for 6 weeks, then I get it back and now I'm having all these spyware and virus issues that I can't resolve myself. I'm a PC person, and am pretty good with them. Fairly dorky for the average individual. But I'm even having trouble. So, now I still can't properly use my computer. Gone for so long and still not completely there. What is a girl to do? I've got a bunch of anti-lots-of-crap-software but it doesn't seem to be doing the trick. I'm discouraged and irritated. I want it to be fixed. Its like my second child, which is royally screwed up, I know. Ugh.

Don't take it personal. . .ly

Ok. So I have to admit. I have a tendency to be very hard on myself. I am performance oriented when it comes to my job, and I tend to anticipate "well done"s from those that work with me. I'm not conceited. I am a people pleaser though. I go out of my way to offer help when I am ahead of the game on my tasks, so I do get a lot of feedback for doing so. I also have a tendency to read into constructive criticism and helpful suggestions as negative remarks. I don't do this with everyone I work with, but I tend to take some people's help as personal criticism. I don't think its meant to be taken that way, in fact, I believe that the people I do this with the most, are the ones that would want me to feel that way the least. I'd like to hope so anyway. I guess I am oversensitve. How do you fix that though? What can I do to keep from taking suggestions as negativity? Why am I so insecure about these things? I don't really tend to do this with any other areas of my life. Perhaps it has something to do with balancing my career as a mom, with my career at my workplace. At least I am recognizing its not other people. I guess I'm just struggling with how stop the sensitivity, so that I can take the suggestions as help and be grateful. Suggestions are recommended. . .

A Word about The Hills Premiere (Premiere Spoilers Beware)

For those of you looking for a deep entry in the series of Sam blogs, stop reading now. I don't want to disappoint you as much as I am disappointed in the Hills. Color me super-disappointed. I haven't been so disappointed in a series premiere since Seventh Heaven dropped its last openers, both times. Don't get me wrong. I do understand that probably the most real thing in this reality show is the script they go by. I felt like this episode was more staged than ever. Seriously, Lauren, a priceless dress that you just happened to leave on top of a hot curling iron, and just in the nick of time you get the designer to give you an entirely different ball gown an hour before the gala. SERIOUSLY! And Heidi, a word for you my dear. . .take a few acting classes. I think it will help your anger come off as much more. . .how should I phrase this? Believable? Argh, and to think I had set so much hope in this season. I thought I would be thrilled to see Heidi say goodbye to Spencer. I thought that Paris would be exciting, but were these guys they ran into the best that the producers could find for the girls? I have to say, this may be enough for me to stop watching. . .a shout out to Mariah Carey for providing the entertainment post-show though. Has any other series premiere been accompanied by live performances? Guess they had to make up for the lack of content somehow.
I'm going to go sleep off my disappointment. Peace.

A new perspective

I have been reading alot lately. Mostly Christ following authors struggling and working out what it truly means to have a relationship with God through Jesus. And while I may come off as downright sentimental, I have to say, that I am truly falling in love with God all over again. I just adore Jesus, his teachings, and the way he lived his life. I admire his compassion and patience with people. As I see my own love for people growing daily, I can only chalk it up to my renewed excitement in following Christ. I am enjoying others' company so much more than I have in such a long time. I feel truly, and joyfully, obligated to encourage and help people around me. I am excited to see God at work in my own life, and in the lives of my friends. I am viewing struggles and trials in new ways. I see the potential for growth in every challenge that falls into my path. I have a renewed peace about God's will for my life. I see in my friends the spirit of God, in their dedication to him in difficult times and I am encouraged in my own struggles. More and more I am learning that it is not just about saying a prayer, but it is about meeting needs. It is about showing people that we cannot ever be complete, and that by looking for acceptance through others' perceptions of us will only bring us pain and more questions. I know that this is a somewhat rambling entry, but I am excited. I guess I just hope, in a way, to share this excitement with those around me.

God Has a Funny Way

So, God has a funny way of taking the control out of our hands. I am going to give you an example. Ever since my mom's passing, there has been tension, to describe it minimally, among family members on my mother's side. Of late I have been praying about what action I should be taking to make amends or at least be clear that I have moved beyond the things that have happened. So, God decided I was being a baby about it, and took it out of my hands. You may be thinking, well thats great, they called you, you feel better, isn't it cool how God works things out? Haha. If there is any doubt that God has a sense of humor, enter Sam and her ever continual ability to make stupid mistakes. Case in point, I need to get ahold of my friend Becky from work to find out what my schedule looks like for next week. So I grab my cell and scroll to Becky, hit send and think I am on my way. A strange voice answers and I ask for Becky. The voice says this is Becky, and I, flustered, say, I think I have the wrong number and hang up. After said action, I am puzzled, but figure out I accidentally called my mom's sister Becky, who I haven't spoken with in about a year and a half. Meanwhile, as I am trying to call Becky from work, my aunt is trying to call me back, as I hear a beep and see on the caller ID that this is so. However, I am already flustered and on the other line so I don't answer. She leaves no voicemail, and I am left the rest of the night wondering whether to call back and apologize or whether just to let it be. So I made the resolve today to call her back and to my great relief I got her voicemail and left her a message explaining the situation and apologizing for hanging up on her. So God put me on a new path without even consulting me. Sometimes its nicer when we don't have to do it ourselves, however scary and emotional it may end up being. As I said in my previous post though, sometimes I prefer easy over what is good for me. My life is a sitcom waiting to be screen tested.

Business of life consumes me

So, its been awhile since I have posted. I have been consumed with all the little things that chase me. With visitors in town, work and household chores, I hardly feel as though I have a minute to myself. My mind is constantly going a million miles a minute, and I feel like I'm having heart palpatations. Whenever I lay down to sleep my heart races along with my thoughts. I don't know why I've been worrying so lately. I need to just relax and let it go. Let it all go. I really feel like when I get into the word and I'm really committing time to God, that I start to get stressed. I should know by now that its not just me. There are powers at work against God. Since I am trying to follow God, that means that I need to be prepared to combat those thoughts, feelings, and powers. Its just so much easier to give in. And sometimes I want easy instead of what is good for me.

On a positive note, I took Maggie outside today to spend time in the sunshine. It was fun. She wrote with sidewalk chalk. We splashed in puddles. I chased her away from the street. She chased the neighbors dog. We had fun. It made me realize how fast time flies. This time last year, all she could really do was crawl around and lay in her car seat. I'm afraid I'm going to wake up tomorrow and Maggie is going to be 16.

Cursed from generation to generation

I've been reading through the old testament, and I have noticed more than once, God's promise to curse people far past their own generation. He promises to curse them from generation to generation. I've heard pastors speak on cycles of sin that permeate through families from generation to generation. I see it in my own family. It frightens me. Being one of the very few in my family choosing to walk in the Christian faith, I struggle with all that has happened within my family. Lying, cheating, stealing, alcoholism, drug addiction, murder. When and where does it end. I feel like my family is a microcosm of the world. My brother is going through hard times with his wife, and she is filing for divorce. He is making statements that sound so familiar and scary. So similar to what ran through my ears four years ago. I am powerless to stop anything from happening, and can only pray that he gets right with God and himself. I guess I need to come to terms with the fact that I cannot break the cycle for someone else, only for myself and my family. I see the difference in my life from my brother and my sister. I'm hopeful for them, and continually praying that things can change for them, but so much of it lies in their choices. They know the truth, but its a matter of choosing to do what they know is right. I can't tell them what to do. I can only pray.

Simple pleasures

I'm glad its March. I went for a walk today that absolutely left my feet wet and my dog a muddy mess, but it was glorious. The smell in the air of potential. The rushing streams of melting snow in the street. I know its all a teaser, but it gives us something to hope for. The hope of spring. I'm glad its March. February was too long this year. I'm glad its March. I am not glad that tomorrow is Monday, but I am glad that tomorrow is not February.

What every happened to our civil liberties?

Good old Georgie. As if he hasn't siphened enough of our civil liberities into his pocket. Now he wants a blanket law allowing all international phone calls to be tapped. I hope no one wants to call their ailing grandmother who is not in her right mind. Hopefully she won't mention anything from the past about wars or those other words we can't say in the airport. I'm am extremely interested to see how America fairs with a new president. We can't do a total 180 without screwing up a lot of crap, but we are already in the crapper as it is. I'm not sure where our world is going to, and I'm really unsure of what is going to happen to us as a country. We seem to be struggling, and what are we citizens to do? Are there better choices in the new mix? I'm not so sure. I guess we all have our faults. Being president is a tough job. I noticed today how much older George looks than when he started. Granted its been about 8 years, but he really looks old. I can't imagine the stress the president must feel, but then again. . .

Insomnia and TMJ

I can't sleep. I started reading a new book and it has me both excited and disturbed at the same time. It makes me question all my life choices and wonder what I can do now that they have already been made. What does it mean to be a radical Christ follower, and how do I make that abstraction a reality in my own life. What sort of changes will it require me to make? How do I step out of my comfy suburban box and into the cold hard world? To be honest, I rather enjoy my comfy suburban box. Its got snacks, cable tv, socks and sweaters, and a nice place to bake treats for my friends. (Like cobbler for Lucas in case he is reading this.) I guess I just want to see myself making a difference even if I can't run off to Calcutta at this juncture. I feel like I am on on the verge of change, or more importantly hope. I feel hope stealing into my soul and pushing out the cynical bits one at a time. I don't know what all of this means but I'm looking forward to the opportunity to really show myself and God that I do want to make a difference. I am terrified of letting go of the familiarity of work and daily life, but thrilled at the prospect of making a real difference. It can happen where I am now, or somewhere else. I'm just trying to be open. I'm sick of grinding my teeth in my sleep from the stress and anxiety I've been feeling day to day. I'm trying to take a deep breath in, and slowly let go. Wish me luck or say a prayer.

Nothing

The sun discourages me. I look out the window and am filled with a false sense of warmth. I walk outside and its still frickin cold. When the heck is it going to warm up? Seasonal depression is setting in. I need a vacation. Perhaps someplace warm. . .anyone can come, there's only one string attached. You have to pay for me to go. :) I hope that it stops snowing soon. This winter seems like it is never going to end.

Simple Distraction

I watched candles burn today. I watched them melt, pool, melt again, pool over hardened wax that had previously spilled onto the table cloth. I watched, thinking all the while, how like life that is. Events occur, melting you with heartache, pooling over solid scars left from earlier bouts of pain. Events occur, melting you with joy, pooling over solid foundations of previous celebrations, moments of thanksgiving. Daily monotony occurs, melting you with boredom, pooling over your routine, hardening again and again over the sameness that invades daily life. Life is constant melting, re-hardening, shaping into forms that we cannot predict. I saw how one candle would melt steadily, but by itself made no new shapes. It slowly melted, wax disappearing tiny amounts at a time until there was little left. A wick. An empty metal tray. Closed off, alone, and all by itself. But four small candles next to each other burned and overflowed onto each others' wax, until you could hardly tell where one candle ended and another began. Thats how life should be, melting over with each others' hurts and joys. Melting away each others' doldrums. Using our lights to help melt and reshape each other for better.

From the Inside Out

This song moves me.

Trust

Trust is a funny thing. I went to a conference this weekend about generosity in the Christian life and I was moved. It was awesome, and it really helped me to feel confident in God's provision for me. Sometimes things change in life, and they really require you to put total trust in God. Some things at work may be re-structured in terms of positions and responsibilities. My first instinct was to freak out, but just five minutes later I had a peace. I just know that God is going to take care of us, whatever it means. If it means that concessions take place and compromises are made, I know that will be fine. If it means that things change and I can no longer continue in the exact same place as I am, then I know that will be fine. Its strange for me to have such a peace about this situation. Normally I would freak out and be compulsively taking whatever action I thought might change things, trying to make plans to ensure that everything continue to work out exactly as I think it should. But its not about me. (I am finally getting it!) I know that God is good, and I am blessed beyond my own comprehension. Everything will work out to glorify God and show what He can do. How blessed am I to be a part of His story!

To Every Season

Its taken me some time to think and figure out what my blog should be about. I still haven't fully decided. But I think above all, I will just use it to share whats going on in my mind and spirit. I've just joined a women's group at church, and I am really excited about the opportunity to connect with other Christian women. I feel as though God is using this time to renew my spirit. I've struggled with my faith and questioned my purpose ever since my mom passed. For a long time, I felt very disconnected from God. Its just now that I feel like I am beginning to grow again. One thing that I've struggled with, within my walk, is faith. I think overall, with everything that happened with my mom, I don't trust God anymore. I know that sounds harsh, almost brutal. Now I realize it for what it is, and I am beginning to build a trust again, knowing that God has no plans to harm me. It wasn't God that made things happen, it was this world of sin and pain that made it happen. Now I need to give everything up again, and relinquish control back to the only One that really ever had any. I'm finally at peace in my heart again, and I'm looking forward to figuring out what God has in store for me. I'm renewing my vision, and praying for God to show me how he wants me to serve. Something at church that really struck me today, as we focused on Jim Elliot's life was this quote.

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. "

- Jim Elliot

Its so true, and now that we have bought a car, I really need to trust that God is going to provide for us. I worry about money alot, perhaps because I never had any growing up. I'm so afraid of what will happen if I don't put exactly the amount into savings that I want to. But that quote helped me to realize that none of what I have is mine anyway. And there are so many more things waiting for me that I can never lose. I can't wait to see what lies ahead.