Thursday, March 18, 2010


How often do you stop to take a moment to ponder the impact others have made on your life? Who has helped you fulfill your destiny? Who has pointed you the direction you should go, to bring you to where you are? We all have those people. I remember one particularly well, as I mourn his loss this morning.

There was a moment in my life, where I was young, insecure, and searching for my place in life. I found myself at the Christian Youth Center in Joliet, IL. I was nervous and dejected about being there, but quickly found my place. Throughout my time there, my life was touched by many, but it was there I found my calling. Working with children was what I was meant to do, as I fell into a new place at day camp. My director pushed me, challenged me, and inspired me to be the very best I could be at what I did. Because of the work he did, I found my day camp voice and never looked back. Because of him, I found my stage presence, and I danced my way through new characters, with a new found confidence. I am broken hearted by his loss, despite the length of time that has passed since we were friends. I wish I had taken the time to consider the immense and profound effect he had on me before this morning. More importantly, I wish I had shared that thought with him.

He has touched many people, and I can only imagine the rejoicing in heaven as he walked through those gates. Thank you God for the gift you gave me through him. Please take care of him until we all see him again. Please take care of his family as the miss him.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

In this life

I know I shared a couple posts back that I had recently come upon the blog Someone shared it with me. It is probably one of the saddest and most uplifting things you will ever read. Layla Grace is a little girl who was diagnosed with neuroblastoma just after turning 15 months old. Her blog was an avenue for her family to share their journey with many people, and her following grew large. Sadly enough, little Layla Grace met God yesterday. I have to say, that I am feeling some anger and injustice at this. I'm glad that she is resting peacefully in Jesus' arms, but am broken yet again by the suffering and unfairness of it all. I'm truly inspired by her family's faith and strength through such troubling times, but I ache for them too. Which brings me to a question that I discussed with a friend at work yesterday. Anger at God. I have found myself in a terrible place in the past, a place of anger and resentment at God because of what I have had to endure. I have come full circle to a place of appreciation for everything I have come through, and the strength and support of myself and those I am close to.

When I lost my mother to domestic violence, I was devastated and angry. Due to peripheral circumstances connected to her death, I questioned her salvation and ached at the thought of the truest kind of loss. A loss of a loved one to the place no one talks about. I still have my moments of wondering, moments of questioning, but for about a year after her death, I stopped talking to God. I stopped going to church. I huddled in my house on Sunday morning and watched Food Network. I barely looked up as Jeremy left the house for the early service. I refused to be a part of something that would be fake for me. Now let me clarify a point. I never for a second denied God's existence, or my need for his salvation, I simply had a huge fight with God. I was angry for losing my mother, and in a way for losing my step-father. I lost 2 parents the day my mother passed, and that was a huge loss for me. What I have come to realize though, is that anger is a normal part of desperate human existence. We mourn, we ache, we long for what we cannot have. We are a reflection of God, and I think that He understands that anger. He doesn't want it to last forever, but He longs for us to turn to him in our times of sorrow. Sometimes it feels nearly impossible, but I don't think He experiences the bitterness we feel when others are angry with us. He waits patiently, knowing that in time we will return, perhaps a little more worn, perhaps even broken. He waits there for us, ready to heal, ready to right us one more time.

I'm thankful for what I have been through. I have become far more compassionate than I ever could have been, for what I have been through showed me the true meanings of love and loss. I am also thankful for God's enduring patience. He waits for us. He is there no matter what. Which reminds me of a song that takes me back to that place of being left with nothing to give.

Thank you God for continuing to wait patiently for us to return. Please be with little Layla Grace's family as they endure this difficult time.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Life and things

I haven't blogged in awhile. Time for a quick catch up.

One thing that has been keeping me from blogging is that I don't have anything uplifting or encouraging to say right now. I have always been one of those people that is affected by the things that I read and see. Lately, all that I read and see is sad news and hard times. I'm very discouraged by it all, and am desparately searching for the good in things. I know that it is there. "He makes everything Glorious."

I just don't understand why things have to be like this or I am broken by what I see in the economy. The people in need that don't get help. The American debt that would require every single person in the country to pay 300,000 dollars to get us out. I am waiting, albeit impatiently to see God make things good.

For those wondering how my coupon adventure is going, I saved 70 something on Sunday. Once again saving more than 50 percent off of my purchases. I can't really complain about that, so yes I will continue at this point. I've develped a lovely system, inspired by one I had seen on

That about sums up where I am at right now. I probably won't blog for a bit. I'm lost in my own mind and when I find my way out of the rabbit hole, I'll try and stay on top of blogging a bit more.