I am doing a whole lot of soul searching lately. I've found myself in a distressing place of transition. I think with all the drama that has plagued my life since I was small, I've gone out of my way to create an environment of stability and comfort for myself and for my family. I try to keep us financially a step above where I was growing up, all the while allowing myself enough time at home with the kiddos to make us all happy. I try to keep my house neat, but also allow myself the freedom to leave a mess here and there, knowing I can clean it up tomorrow or after the kids go to bed. I like balance in my home and professional life. All of these things make it so much harder to deal with what is going on in my life now.
Currently things have to change, and for the moment, I am not sure how. Faced with the possibility of losing my current arrangement that allows me to bring my kids with me to work, I find myself faced with the possibility of having to pay for child care on the same salary and budget that had never factored in that option. My current budget does not have room for that cost, and my pay is not enough to really consider it. And yet it looms over me. So, I am not sure what to do, or where God is leading me. Do I work out an arrangement to pay someone to watch the kids and continue where I am? Do I look for something else to do? Do I try and find someone to watch my kids for free, even though the sheer thought of imposing on someone makes me sick to my stomach? What do I do when my current tithe is almost exactly the amount my childcare would cost through my employer? What about the fact that one of my childcare options may not be open in 6 months? What about the fact that I may lose all of my benefits at work if different changes happen instead? I am currently faced with so many uncertainties. I am scared and overwhelmed.
These are the moments that are hardest for me. Being a such an independent and self-reliant person for so long has made it even more difficult to let go and trust. I have to rely completely on God now, to guide me. I need to trust that regardless of what happens, He is there, seeing me through this tough patch. I am sad and discouraged. I know that deep down things will work out, but I toss and turn at the thought of it.
I only wish it didn't make me dream of zombies every night, intermingled with the occasional teeth falling out dream.
In all things God works for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to his purpose. On bumpy trails, God's spirit never fails. - Mike Holt
(A day camp song Mike wrote to teach Bible verses to the kids.)