Working out

So I have come to enjoy the 30-60 minutes I would like to spend each day exercising. But now I have a problem. BUM FEET! Ugh. I started working out about 6 weeks ago. It sucked to start, but now I want to run everyday. Its an awesome way to begin the day. Until. . .PLANTERS FACIAITIS. Its painful. It hurts your foot, and all you can do to make it feel better is ice and stretch, but that doesn't always work, so there is Aleve. Just when that foot is feeling better, I went and injured my other foot in Austin. So now I have 2 bad feet, and I can't run or walk without aching. I guess its time for a trip back to the doctor, but I'm just so frustrated. How am I supposed to get healthy and leaner if I can do anything physical? I am not about starving myself. The thing I like about a good jog is I can just head right out the door. No driving to the gym and spending an extra 20 minutes total in the car. I really don't have much spare time, so I'm super annoyed. Anyone have any suggestions? I'm gonna give my bike a try this afternoon, but I'm thinking it might hurt my injured foot since driving makes it ache, but I have to find some means of staying active even with these foot injuries. Pray for me.

Measure

When I don't measure up to much in this life, I'm a treasure in the arms of Christ.

- Sanctus Real

I've been struggling with issues of character and trying to figure out and define myself. Who am I in Christ? How do I keep those around me from crushing my spirit, or demeaning my character? The truth is, I don't know. Though some may not realize it, and though I may not always present myself as such, I am a sensitive person. I am empathetic in ways that I wish I was not. Sometimes when I am reading a book or watching one of my shows, I can't separate myself from the characters. My emotions as I watch their tragedies unfold, are very real to me. Sometimes I carry a particularly stressful or sad show or book around with me for days. So imagine what it does to me when I am hurt in real life. I think in general I come off as a no nonsense, sarcastic, take no crap kind of girl, and in a way I am, but I am my biggest critic. I over analyze everything I do or say, and it has happened many times, that I let someone talk me into believing something about myself that I know to be false. I question myself daily. And it saddens me that I let myself forget my worth and the real me, at the hands of people who are no more figured out than I am.

My goal is to remember that, while it matters what others think. It is important who I am to myself, my family, and my dearest friends, and I hope it can only continue to flow into other areas of my life. I just hope to be true and decent. God give me grace and mercy.

Today was one of those days. . .

It really was. It started off nice enough. There was a slow rumble of thunder and smidge of rain, but then it cleared up. And when I looked at the clock, expecting it to be 6:40, it was 7:40. 7:40 is when I usually arrive to work. I didn't sweat it though, because I knew I was working late. So I arrived closer t0 8:30. But then the sheer craziness began. Meetings, phone calls, running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Back to the house to download a song for a presentation for our staff at the staff meeting tonight. Back to the office to continue doing work. Back to my house to grab the camcorder, which has been designated to video the presentation, as it will prove to be humorous and worth taping. Grab the laptoop while I'm there to add the CD playlist that will be used for background music. Back to the office. Out to a school that normally takes 20 minutes to get to. How long today? 1 hour and 15 minutes. Thanks to 2 car accidents, 2 people pulled over for some sort of infraction, and a bunch of fire trucks at Naper Settlement. Then any number of things went not as planned for the remainder of the day. Enter Sam's arrival at the location for the meeting at which this super ultra special presentation is to be presented. I am to push the button on the IPOD and hold the camera steady to catch the action. . .drum roll please. Wait, stop, no, change of plans. Hand off the camera, delegate the IPOD duty to someone else, learn the re-written lyrics to the Superbowl Shuffle in 5 minutes and sing it to a crowd of 50+ people. And that is what I did. Call my BFF in Austin for our friend date. Five minutes into the conversation the girl child begins crying and I have to hang up and deal with her. Do you ever have a day where you feel like every single thing you do, even going to the bathroom feels like its for someone else? Today was one of those days.

Precious

I watched Precious based on the Novel Push by Sapphire. It was dark and disturbing. It made me thankful for the life I have. But it made my stomach turn for what some people have to endure. Its relentless. I want to go wake up my babies and snuggle them. So sad.

Reverie

How often do you stop to take a moment to ponder the impact others have made on your life? Who has helped you fulfill your destiny? Who has pointed you the direction you should go, to bring you to where you are? We all have those people. I remember one particularly well, as I mourn his loss this morning.

There was a moment in my life, where I was young, insecure, and searching for my place in life. I found myself at the Christian Youth Center in Joliet, IL. I was nervous and dejected about being there, but quickly found my place. Throughout my time there, my life was touched by many, but it was there I found my calling. Working with children was what I was meant to do, as I fell into a new place at day camp. My director pushed me, challenged me, and inspired me to be the very best I could be at what I did. Because of the work he did, I found my day camp voice and never looked back. Because of him, I found my stage presence, and I danced my way through new characters, with a new found confidence. I am broken hearted by his loss, despite the length of time that has passed since we were friends. I wish I had taken the time to consider the immense and profound effect he had on me before this morning. More importantly, I wish I had shared that thought with him.

He has touched many people, and I can only imagine the rejoicing in heaven as he walked through those gates. Thank you God for the gift you gave me through him. Please take care of him until we all see him again. Please take care of his family as the miss him.

In this life

I know I shared a couple posts back that I had recently come upon the blog http://www.laylagrace.org/. Someone shared it with me. It is probably one of the saddest and most uplifting things you will ever read. Layla Grace is a little girl who was diagnosed with neuroblastoma just after turning 15 months old. Her blog was an avenue for her family to share their journey with many people, and her following grew large. Sadly enough, little Layla Grace met God yesterday. I have to say, that I am feeling some anger and injustice at this. I'm glad that she is resting peacefully in Jesus' arms, but am broken yet again by the suffering and unfairness of it all. I'm truly inspired by her family's faith and strength through such troubling times, but I ache for them too. Which brings me to a question that I discussed with a friend at work yesterday. Anger at God. I have found myself in a terrible place in the past, a place of anger and resentment at God because of what I have had to endure. I have come full circle to a place of appreciation for everything I have come through, and the strength and support of myself and those I am close to.

When I lost my mother to domestic violence, I was devastated and angry. Due to peripheral circumstances connected to her death, I questioned her salvation and ached at the thought of the truest kind of loss. A loss of a loved one to the place no one talks about. I still have my moments of wondering, moments of questioning, but for about a year after her death, I stopped talking to God. I stopped going to church. I huddled in my house on Sunday morning and watched Food Network. I barely looked up as Jeremy left the house for the early service. I refused to be a part of something that would be fake for me. Now let me clarify a point. I never for a second denied God's existence, or my need for his salvation, I simply had a huge fight with God. I was angry for losing my mother, and in a way for losing my step-father. I lost 2 parents the day my mother passed, and that was a huge loss for me. What I have come to realize though, is that anger is a normal part of desperate human existence. We mourn, we ache, we long for what we cannot have. We are a reflection of God, and I think that He understands that anger. He doesn't want it to last forever, but He longs for us to turn to him in our times of sorrow. Sometimes it feels nearly impossible, but I don't think He experiences the bitterness we feel when others are angry with us. He waits patiently, knowing that in time we will return, perhaps a little more worn, perhaps even broken. He waits there for us, ready to heal, ready to right us one more time.

I'm thankful for what I have been through. I have become far more compassionate than I ever could have been, for what I have been through showed me the true meanings of love and loss. I am also thankful for God's enduring patience. He waits for us. He is there no matter what. Which reminds me of a song that takes me back to that place of being left with nothing to give.



Thank you God for continuing to wait patiently for us to return. Please be with little Layla Grace's family as they endure this difficult time.

Life and things

I haven't blogged in awhile. Time for a quick catch up.

One thing that has been keeping me from blogging is that I don't have anything uplifting or encouraging to say right now. I have always been one of those people that is affected by the things that I read and see. Lately, all that I read and see is sad news and hard times. I'm very discouraged by it all, and am desparately searching for the good in things. I know that it is there. "He makes everything Glorious."

I just don't understand why things have to be like this www.laylagrace.org or www.kellyrachel.blogspot.com I am broken by what I see in the economy. The people in need that don't get help. The American debt that would require every single person in the country to pay 300,000 dollars to get us out. I am waiting, albeit impatiently to see God make things good.

For those wondering how my coupon adventure is going, I saved 70 something on Sunday. Once again saving more than 50 percent off of my purchases. I can't really complain about that, so yes I will continue at this point. I've develped a lovely system, inspired by one I had seen on www.sharpenyourscissors.net

That about sums up where I am at right now. I probably won't blog for a bit. I'm lost in my own mind and when I find my way out of the rabbit hole, I'll try and stay on top of blogging a bit more.