Thursday, October 15, 2009

Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know?

Round my parts is pretty much common knowledge at this point, that one of my brothers, has made some poor choices. Choices which led their ex-girlfriend to immaculate conception. I'm not sure how he did it. But that is the only explanation, as it is beyond my comprehension for it to have happened any other way. Nonetheless, I am uber-disappointed, and really trying to work through my feelings about this one. It is officially official, that I have never been called and told that I would be an aunt, and have it be an exciting and joyous occasion. I'm still hoping that one day it will. I'm sure it will.

At this point I am feeling confusion, and a whole lot of anger. You do what you can to prepare young people to make the best decisions, and even the ones you think you can count on, are bound to screw up. Of screw someone else. Whatever the case may be. The thing I am struggling with most, are my feelings toward this girl. With my other siblings, I at least wasn't completley thrown for a loop. They had been dating their others for quite a while. They weren't stable by any means, but I could make sense of it. This situation is beyond me. A short relationship. A girl that I have yet to figure out, and can't bring myself to really like. I'm trying, but its harder now. And I have this nagging feeling that it was an intentional play, you know, the oldest trick in the book? And by the time he receieved the news, they were broken up, and to this point remain so.

I'll admit, after a dinner at a friend's and a couple of glasses of wine, I got fed up with the Facebook fodder on the subject and left some unsavory remarks. I ended up emailing and apologizing, but is it terrible that I still feel slight vindication? I know that I need to push forward and work on being the person I am made to be, and not the one I feel like, but that just gets harder and harder. Its so hard to be nice to someone that you can't seem to tolerate. I've been there before, and I'll manage again. If someone could give me wise counsel on this matter, it would be greatly appreciated. I mean, its not easy to be the bigger person, especially when you are only 5 feet tall.

I hope and mostly pray for God's leadership and guidance for my actions in this matter. I hope and pray more for theirs. I can be angry, sad, disappointed, but what I can't do is let that overshadow this new being, that deserves the best of things despite the situation. God still makes good of all things. He always has, and He always will. I just wonder if there will ever come a time that I don't question His ways.

1 comment:

Abby said...

Well, I'm 5'10 and it's STILL hard to be the bigger person most days. While we haven't had any surprise pregnancies (yet), I certainly understand what it's like to have those feelings toward someone in your sibling's life. It's terrible, because your entire family dynamic changes, and you know that this person isn't good for them, but there is not a darned thing you can do but shut up and be kind and gracious. After five years, this is something I struggle with every day. But it does get easier. I have full confidence that you will continue to be a good sister, and example, for your brother.