When the Rain is Blowing in Your Face. . .

And the whole world is on your case, I would recommend NOT trying to go to East Aurora High School to get the H1N1 vaccine at the free Kane County Health Department clinics. A friend at work warned me before I left, suggested what I will be getting into by trying to get one. She followed up the comment by letting me know it would be nothing compared to government run health care. I laugh now after today's experience. Jeremy, the kids and I loaded into the car and headed over to the high school to take care of business. What is normally a 4 minute drive took nearly 20 minutes. Once we got within viewing distance of the high school, it was made clear that there would be no parking allowed in the parking lots, or within a block of the school. So Jeremy dropped Miles and I off at the first place he could, and left with Maggie to park the car. Miles and I walked nearly 2 blocks, trying to figure out where we were supposed to be. With consent forms pre-filled out and signed in my hand, I wandered in the cold rain with my asthmatic baby, thinking I would be doing what was best for him. When we finally made it around the building, to what appeared to be the line, we stood in it for five minutes before finding out that we were in the wrong line. This was the second line. First we were to go to the Field House building and stand in line, in the rain to possiby receive a bracelet. I walked halfway through the lot we were in, headed toward the Field House line before I realized that the line was at least a block long. At that point, I gave up. I figured that I was more likely to get sick standing in the rain with my asthmatic self and my asthmatic baby, than I was by not getting the shot. I left the chaos of this "health department organized" shot clinic discouraged and upset by all involved in this shoddy plan. Here are a few tips for the Kane County Health Departments Future Clinics:

1. Signs are helpful -
People are like cattle. If you give them a little direction, they will go where you want them to.

2. Indoor waiting is acceptable -
Just a thought, but everyone in the high risk category is also put at risk by being out in the cold rain. For example, people with health problems such as mine, should probably try to keep warm and dry.

3. Assign parking lots -
Parking lots are for parking. Or at least thats what they used to be for. Trekking 2-3 blocks in the rain on top of standing in line is even harder for people with asthma.

4. Perhaps take a cue from DuPage County -Appointments ease chaos. If people can stagger their presence, it will make things easier for everyone. This survival of the fittest business is for animals.

5. Don't have clinics - If you make the shots available through doctors' offices you keep better control over the dispensal of the shots, ensuring that people getting them genuinely are in the high risk categories. Its a lot easier to lie to a questionnaire and get away with it, than to your doctor.

I am highly displeased by my experience with the Kane County Health Department, or better put, my lack of experience with them. As someone with a need for the shot, I walk away feeling let down by the health department and the government.

Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know?

Round my parts is pretty much common knowledge at this point, that one of my brothers, has made some poor choices. Choices which led their ex-girlfriend to immaculate conception. I'm not sure how he did it. But that is the only explanation, as it is beyond my comprehension for it to have happened any other way. Nonetheless, I am uber-disappointed, and really trying to work through my feelings about this one. It is officially official, that I have never been called and told that I would be an aunt, and have it be an exciting and joyous occasion. I'm still hoping that one day it will. I'm sure it will.

At this point I am feeling confusion, and a whole lot of anger. You do what you can to prepare young people to make the best decisions, and even the ones you think you can count on, are bound to screw up. Of screw someone else. Whatever the case may be. The thing I am struggling with most, are my feelings toward this girl. With my other siblings, I at least wasn't completley thrown for a loop. They had been dating their others for quite a while. They weren't stable by any means, but I could make sense of it. This situation is beyond me. A short relationship. A girl that I have yet to figure out, and can't bring myself to really like. I'm trying, but its harder now. And I have this nagging feeling that it was an intentional play, you know, the oldest trick in the book? And by the time he receieved the news, they were broken up, and to this point remain so.

I'll admit, after a dinner at a friend's and a couple of glasses of wine, I got fed up with the Facebook fodder on the subject and left some unsavory remarks. I ended up emailing and apologizing, but is it terrible that I still feel slight vindication? I know that I need to push forward and work on being the person I am made to be, and not the one I feel like, but that just gets harder and harder. Its so hard to be nice to someone that you can't seem to tolerate. I've been there before, and I'll manage again. If someone could give me wise counsel on this matter, it would be greatly appreciated. I mean, its not easy to be the bigger person, especially when you are only 5 feet tall.

I hope and mostly pray for God's leadership and guidance for my actions in this matter. I hope and pray more for theirs. I can be angry, sad, disappointed, but what I can't do is let that overshadow this new being, that deserves the best of things despite the situation. God still makes good of all things. He always has, and He always will. I just wonder if there will ever come a time that I don't question His ways.

What's flub got to do with it?

Its got a whole heck of a lot to do with it, thats what. So I'm about to go there on post-baby weight. If you aren't interested, look away. Besides, thats what I do every day as I get dressed. I look away. I cringe, and look away. Whoever, said that to lose weight after the second baby was harder, was dead right, and I think I might despise them a little for it.

After Maggie, I was back into pre-pregnancy clothes about a month after she was born. Maybe a little less. I was able to zip my pre-preggo jeans and sneak her over to the work Christmas party. This is probably a little bit out of the ordinary for most new moms, but I only gained 15 pounds with her due to extreme food aversions. I felt great, and was actually slightly thinner than before I had a baby. Thank you piggy daughter that wanted to eat every 2 hours. You were my lifesaver.

Now to Miles. With Miles I gained the normal 30ish pounds. For some reason, Miles made me like things I didn't like before being pregnant, including cake and bacon. Now I love both. Miles, you are my nemesis. I am still hanging onto more than several pounds and cannot even pull on my pre-pregoo jeans, much less zip them. I'm discouraged and frustrated. I can't afford a new, flattering wardrobe, so I make due on a mix of fat clothes and maternity clothes. UGH! Its awful. I've heard the old adage, it takes 9 monts to put it on, same to take it off. Miles is 10 months old now. What happened? I don't eat excessively, but am still nursing, and thus hungry the majority of the time. I've heard that when you are nursing, your body holds on to a few pounds until you stop, as a back up for baby. I hope to God thats true, because I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror. I can't do a really low cal diet either, due to the nursing. I guess I have to exercise my patience, which is terribly difficult when it comes to not having anything to wear. Seriously. Help. If someone could tell me where to squeeze in a few trips to the gym between, work, caring for the kids, and Jer's work schedule, I would gladly take a pointer. I simply can't bear the thought of waking up at 5 to go to the gym before I start my day. That sounds like PURE TORTURE. I feel like its hard enough to get up at 6:30 with the kids.

I don't know how to end this entry. Thats pretty much all I have to say.

Where did I go wrong?

A friend and fellow blogger posted recently about her feelings of mom guilt. With a new baby and a career, these feelings are par for the course. I too struggle with mom guilt and balancing a career. I think these feelings are totally normal and expected.

Lately though, I feel like I'm struggling with friend, Christian, family guilt. I feel like I need to figure out where I went wrong in each relationship with my friends, family members, co workers, fellow Christians, and heck, the guy I don't let wash my windows on the way to Midway airport because I'm not going to pay him. We all know your windows look worse if you do anyway. Did my role in their life play a part in leading them to the sad state that they are currently in? If so, how?
Could I keep my friends from going into bankruptcy? Can I influence someone to go back to college? Did it really matter that I didn't give a dollar to the window guy?

I'm beginning to realize, and only recently, that I can't save the world. Who knew? Apparently, I didn't. We need to stop taking on everyone's burden. I'm reading a book called Boundaries. In the book, reference is made to a passage in scripture that refers to each person first carrying their own burdens, and only helping with the burdens that one cannot handle alone. This doesn't mean that we need to take on everyone else's struggles. We are there to help and support, but ultimately adults make their own decisions, and must therefore live with the consequences brought on by such choices. I cannot, should not, and will no longer adopt everyone else's crises as my own. I can do my best as a friend, family member, and good Christian, to assist in those burdens that need an extra set of hands, but I can't make them my own. While I may initially feel some guilt about this, in the end I will be healthier and happier for it.

Surprise surprise surprise

Sometimes I feel like life is a semi-truck that has just lain me flat. While I am laid out on the pavement I struggle with even attempting to get back up, or whether I should stay put. If I stay put, there is a good chance that the next semi will roll right over me without so much as a bump or a bruise. I can avoid the pain that will come with the next rumble of tragedy, as those wheels come barreling at me. I can cower and wait. I can cry and pity myself and those that are affected by life's latest surprise. That is what I could do. It sounds easier. Peaceful almost. That warm pavement pressed against my face sometimes feels safe, familiar. I'm so used to being back there, smelling the tar of failure or regret. Feeling the gravel dig into my skin like so many unanswered questions. But I get back up. I cringe as I pull myself to stand, bracing for impact. I forgot how nice the cool breeze feels upon my face, so different from the hot black top. I breathe, and as the crisp air fills my lungs, I am renewed with as much hope as oxygen. I brush off the gravel, and stifle the "what if's." I turn away from the traffic and walk. Life is so much more the combination of these hikes and traumas. And as I listen to the noises of the birds and look into the vivid blue sky, I remember how much better it is to keep walking. Pressed flat against the ground, I miss the wind.