Wednesday, July 21, 2010

6 years

Yesterday marked the 6th year anniversary of my mother's tragic death, and I can hardly believe all that time has past. To say that the past 6 years have been eventful is an understatement. They have been packed to the gills with change, love, friends, and family. I truly couldn't be more blessed in that respect. I have such an appreciation of all that I have gained in these 6 years. Perspective has been given to me that I might not have attained if things had gone differently. For all that I have gained though, its hard not to acknowledge what I have been missing all this time.

Things that I miss:
1. Her laugh. I miss that Jeremy and I could always set her laughing, without being able to stop.
2. Her calling me to say Happy Birthday. I remember that my senior year of college, she waited until 10:30 to call me because she thought I'd be busy. Little did she know I was very upset, and crying because I thought she'd forgot. I guess I didn't realize that would be the last birthday wish I would get.
3. I missed getting to see the look on her face when she saw my kids. They are beautiful, and there is no doubt in my mind that she would have loved them dearly, and they would have loved her just as much, if not more.
4. The way she smelled. I actually grew up not really liking the perfume she wore, but sometimes I catch the scent of her in the grocery store, and it nearly brings me to my knees. Knowing full well that its probably some other lady wearing her perfume or using patchouli oil, I can't help but think she's brushed past me.
5. Her loyalty and love of people. She was one of the most accepting and loving people I've known. Though she could be quick to anger, she was just as quick to reconcile and forgive. I'm so thankful that I inherited that quality from her.
6. Her reminders of what is important in life, and money definitely never was.

I hope to dance, bake, craft, and play with my children the way she did. I hope that someday, my children will like being around me so much that they fake a tummy ache to spend a solitary day in my company, as I did with her.

Its funny, that in passing a comment on my status of 6 years since her death struck me. It said, "Six years and you are still dealing with stuff." I am. In so many ways. I don't think there will be a certain number of years that will past and I will reach the finish line of dealing with what has happened. I think you forever reprocess and rethink such an event. It changes you forever, and I think it keeps changing you.

I miss my mom, and I aspire to be the person she would have wanted me to be. I hope that I can make her proud.


melrose said...

sam i know you've already made your mom so proud. you're amazing, and from how you describe her, you sound so much like her. you already dance, laugh, play, bake, and craft with your kids - who are already just crazy about you. and you're my most loyal and loving friend. she is with you always, still shaping you, watching you, and looking out for your family. even though she is gone you're still learning from her. she has to be so, so proud. love you.

Hannah said...

ya know, I saw that comment on your fb status, and I thought, "well of course you are still dealing with it". You always will. She was your mom, she'll always be a part of you. That's as it should be. There's no timeline for grief; it's not something you get over, it's something you learn to live with.

Anyway, treasure your precious memories; sounds like your mom was an amazing woman and you are so blessed to have been raised and shaped by her.

Abby said...

Oh, this made me cry. Your mom...she was so much fun! I can remember lounging in your living room, running up and down your stairs, sitting at the dining room table, rummaging through the kitchen, riding in the van...she is a part of so many of my memories with you. Such good memories.

Your mom would be so incredibly proud of you, Sam! She was proud of you then, so I know she'd be overflowing with pride to see you now. What a wonderful wife, mother, and friend you are...I can't imagine her wanting you to be anything more than you already are.

You were blessed to call her mom, she was equally blessed to call you her daughter. Love you.

Sandy said...

My dear Sam, This is so amazing to read your blog for the first time. you are a very good writer. You would make a good author so get started on your book! I thank God for answering my prayers in 1986-1987 in asking Him to send me a family in our neighborhood to play with my girls. Lo and behold He sent me 4 girls & 1 boy!!! Your mom was so good to me. She had such a giving heart. How about the microwave and piano!!!! I still have a few books she gave me. I thank God she listened when I shared with her about Jesus. I am so glad she let you and your siblings go to kids club at our church with my girls. I miss our talks. I miss her tears when she came over to talk. I miss our prayers together. I miss her long hair that I never had. I miss her smile!!!! I miss her laugh. I miss our time together. I miss her being your mother. I can't imagine how you ache for her but I am so proud of you Sam. Keep up the writing. In HIS love and mine. x0x00x0x Sandy Denewellis