Today

Today is what Jeremy and I like to call our fake anniversary. For those who don't know, we got married twice. Shortly after my mom died, living arrangements had to change suddenly, and with Jeremy living in the church parsonage, my choices were somewhat limited. We consulted with the pastor, and all agreed that it would be totally fine for us to marry 2 months early. And so our adventure began. We went and got the marriage license, and waited for Friday to come. That Friday, Jeremy took a half day at work, and so did I! A half day to go get married. We dressed up, and drove to the Dupage County Courthouse, where we were given a number and told to wait. Couple number 19 sat (that was us), and watched the room full of other couples. Some of them were obviously pregnant, doing the shot gun wedding thing, with a bridal party in full dress. Some were dressed in jeans and shirts, looking like they were out at Applebee's. We were dressed up, with Melanie there to be our witness. They called our name, and we went into a bland court room, where a judge married us. When we came out, a cute little old lady volunteer was there to take our picture. Post wedding, we headed for a fancy lunch to celebrate, at the Olive Garden. What a great day. 6 years ago today I married my wonderful husband. I love him more every day.

6 years

Yesterday marked the 6th year anniversary of my mother's tragic death, and I can hardly believe all that time has past. To say that the past 6 years have been eventful is an understatement. They have been packed to the gills with change, love, friends, and family. I truly couldn't be more blessed in that respect. I have such an appreciation of all that I have gained in these 6 years. Perspective has been given to me that I might not have attained if things had gone differently. For all that I have gained though, its hard not to acknowledge what I have been missing all this time.

Things that I miss:
1. Her laugh. I miss that Jeremy and I could always set her laughing, without being able to stop.
2. Her calling me to say Happy Birthday. I remember that my senior year of college, she waited until 10:30 to call me because she thought I'd be busy. Little did she know I was very upset, and crying because I thought she'd forgot. I guess I didn't realize that would be the last birthday wish I would get.
3. I missed getting to see the look on her face when she saw my kids. They are beautiful, and there is no doubt in my mind that she would have loved them dearly, and they would have loved her just as much, if not more.
4. The way she smelled. I actually grew up not really liking the perfume she wore, but sometimes I catch the scent of her in the grocery store, and it nearly brings me to my knees. Knowing full well that its probably some other lady wearing her perfume or using patchouli oil, I can't help but think she's brushed past me.
5. Her loyalty and love of people. She was one of the most accepting and loving people I've known. Though she could be quick to anger, she was just as quick to reconcile and forgive. I'm so thankful that I inherited that quality from her.
6. Her reminders of what is important in life, and money definitely never was.

I hope to dance, bake, craft, and play with my children the way she did. I hope that someday, my children will like being around me so much that they fake a tummy ache to spend a solitary day in my company, as I did with her.

Its funny, that in passing a comment on my status of 6 years since her death struck me. It said, "Six years and you are still dealing with stuff." I am. In so many ways. I don't think there will be a certain number of years that will past and I will reach the finish line of dealing with what has happened. I think you forever reprocess and rethink such an event. It changes you forever, and I think it keeps changing you.

I miss my mom, and I aspire to be the person she would have wanted me to be. I hope that I can make her proud.