Five years later

Inevitably life is hard at times. Everyone goes through tough and trying circumstances. Often times they feel unbearable, but when you look back you are suprised by your own strength. You never realized you could make it through something like that.

I look back at my life and there are many of these times, but clearly one that sticks out more than others. Five years ago on July 21st, I woke at 5am to the death of my mother through tragic circumstances. Five years ago I changed. I spent a year in mourning, going through those normal phases, denial, acceptance, etc. I moved on suprisigly well for such a desperate time.

The worst thing about this whole situation is that five years later we are still wrapped up in it. Five years later it is not over. So on top of my daily stresses, we wait and listen for news on the wrongful death suit. Five years later we try to figure out the estate, now that my stepfather is also gone. Five years later we are told we have to start over and re-organize and repack everything that we have already packed up and stored in sheds. Five years later I have 2 small children that I would rather spend my time with. Five years later I am working through the highest stress part of the year at my job. Five years later I am older and stronger, but still feel weak at the mention of any of these things.

I look back and see how strong I was. How can I not cope with these minor temporary things? God give me peace and grace to push through as I know I can. Help me not to feel overwhelmed. Give me the wisdom to go to others and vent, talk and laugh about the things that bother me. Thank you God for those around me who love and support me, cry and laugh with me. I have this entanglement of feelings of confindence in my strengths and abilities, overwhelming love for myself and those around me, and fear that I will fail. Above all though I know that I am happy with my life choices and excited to see where I end up. It nearly brings me to tears to think about how good life and God are, even in the hardest of times.