You Wanna Be Starting Something You Gotta Be Starting Something

His loss is hard to put into to words. Perhaps "too high to get over" and "too low to get under." Another little piece of my childhood died yesterday when we lost Michael Jackson. Yes, I can acknowledge all the weirdness and terrible accusations, but we lost an artist. One that takes me back to watching Thriller on my talking viewmaster. One that takes me back to my shared bedroom listening to Ben on my record player, my fisher price record player. I had a Michael Jackson glove and jacket, and the same sick fascination with ET that he had. I would like to remember Michael in his golden days, when he was young and not yet freakish. You will be missed.

Conflicted

I began this entry last week, after hearing some interesting news. This entry spans a week of pondering and wondering. Bear with its jumpiness, but I feel like I need to share this strange thing that is my life.

Last Monday,I can't really find words to describe how I feel at this current moment. As most know, almost 5 years ago I experienced a betrayal beyond anything I could imagine. I lost my mom to domestic violence, and I don't think I go one day without thinking about her. It was all over the newspapers, local and regional. The day she died was well documented for sure.

But Monday I got a phone call letting me know that the perpetrator, the man I grew up calling my step dad. The man that taught me to drive, came to my plays, the betrayer, well he died. He died a quiet death. After a year or so of dialysis, his kidneys gave out. I guess time in prison is draining on a body, and I imagine more so on the soul. The thing that baffles me is how he got to leave so quietly. Hardly a murmur on the radar. Nothing in the papers. No mention of the murderer or the murdered. I did get an automated call from the victims advocates office informing me in that robotic automated voice that the inmate "has died." Its hard to know what all this means. I'm going to the funeral on Monday and all I can think about is how no one will be there. Strange.

One thing I don't feel is sad. I don't feel bad for him. I don't feel sad for him. I feel some sense of freedom. I feel bad for his daughters. I feel like a circle has closed, but know that the issues with the estate and lawsuit will continue. While this should be the end, somehow its not. Talk about joy despite circumstances.

Today, June 15, I went to the memorial service for my stepfather. Over the past week I have had to debate within myself whether or not to go at all. After perusing the obituary, which infuriated me, I decided it best that I go for closure's sake. I did go. I went to the memorial service for my stepfather at the same church, done by the same minister that did my mother's service. That in itself was hard to stomach. But as I sat there with the handful of people that actually came, half of which I knew, no one even acknowledged my presence. They spoke of forgiveness, of his service to God and the community, and I thought to myself, how in the world is this fair? Is it so easy to gloss over the life changing event perpetrated by this man? No mentions of his sorrow or guilt felt at the end. No mention of my mother. In this nearly empty room I sat, enduring glares and ignorance. I sat as people shared about him being their hero. I literally held back the vile taste in my mouth, the hatred that had long since fizzled out. I sat in anger as the minister looked me in the eye and spoke of Dave's baptism into the church, and God being a God of mercy. I loathed the words of the minister, asking that God welcome David home to His arms. I wondered how any of this was possible. But God is GOOD, all the time. God is righteous, ALL THE TIME. Whatever God decides to do, it will be right and true.

As I left that church today, I smiled to myself as I thought of my mother. That church overflowed at her service. They had to put chairs in the hallways to fit the people. Some there out of curiosity, but most having been touched by my mom in some way. Filled to the brims, and that's how I know that she was of God, and doing his work. However flawed and broken she was, she loved. And as I looked around the empty church today, I saw the difference between someone loved and someone lost. I am proud of myself for enduring, but thankful for the support of God, above all, and of those He has placed in my life. May God continue to grant me peace and forgiveness, as He has to wonderfully done in the past. God is GOOD, all the time.

What have you done to me Motherhood?

If you had asked me years ago what being a parent would be like, I probably would have had some calculated answer about everything to come. The truth is, I never could have imagined what it would REALLY be like. This truth holds the same for watching my friends become parents. There is something breathtaking in the way each of my different friends parents their children. There is so much I admire in each one of them.

I love the way Joy has a million sweet nicknames for each babe.
I love the way Jean lets her son be a boy in every way.
I love the way Karen waited for that special gift after trying and trying, and now dotes on her.
I love the way Sarah lets her kids have so much spirit and lets them be kids.
I love the way Abby already adores her young son, though they've only just met.

I love the way all the other mothers in my life have taught me, cared for me, and comforted me through all of the challenges with my own children.

I love their children nearly as much as my own, even the ones I haven't meant due to distance. I love the ones that don't even exist yet. I am fiercely protective of each friend and their children. I never used to be a cryer, but something about motherhood has done that to me. Besides all the challenges, there is pure joy in looking at each picture of a baby. There is something beautiful in every little face. I am getting weepy just thinking about it all. Oh motherhood, what have you done to me.

Silly JOLIET stuff

Ok, someone shared this on facebook and I couldn't help but have to share it on my blog. For those of you that grew up the ET, you may feel as these guys do. No matter what you will always call it home. Check out this rap video. J-town love!
Beware, this post is rated R.

When will it end?

I love my children. I adore them really. But seriously, if someone had told me it was possible for my daughter, who in her first two years of life was the epitome of health, to come down with every single virus known to man over a period of 2-3 months, I might have reconsidered this whole parenthood thing. Whats worse is the fact that, not only does she endure these terrible virus with a whining frenzy, but she passes each virus on to her baby brother. He has now been sick as many times in his life, as Maggie has in hers, and she is 2.5 times his age. What have I done to deserve this onslaught? Let me just tell you, a barfing two year old is a force to reckon with. They have no aim, they cry the whole time they are throwing up (but heck so do I), and my particular child, was disturbed at the huge mess she was making, refer back to the crying. Now lets talk about the fever. Apparently a fever of 103 MUST be treated, and not left to nature to take care of. This sounds simple right? You merely measure out the proper dosage of liquid tylenol or motrin, place in child's mouth, they swallow, fever treated right? If only it were that simple. Whoever invented children's tylenol must have hated kids. It tastes TERRIBLE. I know this because I wanted to find out why my daughter had to be pinned to the floor and forced to swallow it. We've tried every flavor in both the brand name and generics to see if that would make a difference. It doesn't. Motrin tastes better by far, and poses no problem for our daughter. But when you have such a high fever they want you to rotate between tylenol and motrin every 3 hours. I thought with this illness I would be smart, buy the chewables and present them as candy. That worked the first time. She took two and asked for more. I thought I had figured it out. Then the next dose came, she was excited. I gave her both chewables, she began to eat one, then gagged and told daddy she couldn't like it and wanted to spit it out. The only other option is suppositories, and I am not going there unless I absolutely HAVE to. So, needless to say, with all the illness that has invaded my house, I am exhausted, overwhelmed, and so OVER it. I've given germs a deadline. One more week in my house and they have to be out. They have to be out or I will be! Oh, did I mention that during all of this drama, I still have to nurse a 3 month old every three hours. A 3 month old who is hacking, wheezing, and breathing funny. . . I want out!

Swagbucks

Hey everyone who regularly checks out my blog. Someone recommended a site to me where you can earn free "swagbucks" by doing certain things on the internet. Check it out because I get free bucks for referrals. Its free, so it can't hurt.

http://swagbucks.com/?cmd=sb-register&rb=415192

The Shack Review

So I've finished reading this book called The Shack. Overall it was a really intriguing look at the three aspects of God. I found it to be emotional, inspiring, and at first I just could not put it down. I started reading it at 10 o'clock the other night and looked up to see that it was 12:30am. That says alot about the book, as I am still getting up with my 3 month old twice a night for feedings. The fact that I could even be awake at 12:30am speaks volumes. However, as I trudged alot through the book, it became heavy and though provoking. I found at times I would have to put the book down, and come back to re-read things. This is rare for me, but was, perhaps the best part about the book. It gets you to take a look at things and think. Lastly though, I'm not sure it is the most accurate portrayal of the Biblical God. It gives you the sense that God is the all loving best friend that you want to carry around in your pocket. While God IS all loving and all knowing, the Bible clearly says that he is a jealous and vengeful God. That aspect of God was no where to be found in this book. We have to remember as we read books like this that it is fiction. While it may be based on a supposed actual experience, there is no way to prove that it really happened. And it is FICTION. As a good read though, I would highly recommend it. But don't go into it looking for Biblical truth. While there are truths scattered throughout the book, overall it is just that, another interesting book to mull over.