Matthew 12:34

 You brood of snakes! How could evil men like you speak what is good and right? For whatever is in your heart determines what you say. - Matthew 12:34


Have you ever listened to small children sing songs? Have you ever noticed their words? No matter the song, they sing what they know. They sing what is familiar, and what is in their heart. Here are some examples:

"I'm stinky and I know it"

"The snakes are high, the water's rough"



So much of my day even my past couple weeks comes back to this verse. I often wonder what is going on in someone's heart when I hear the things that come out of their mouths. I was just appalled and hurt and overwhelmed today by what I heard pouring out of the mouths of the people around me. Some Christian words worse than those that I heard from a stranger, but with what purpose? If our mouth speaks what is in our heart, then where are the words that Jesus would use? I can't presume to know someone's intent when they do or say things, but I think about how I would handle the situation and its always so different. By no means am I perfect, but I wake up each day hoping to do no harm and in an ideal world, have none done to me. So let's not push and bully and talk behind each other's backs. Let's lift each other up and let the words from our mouths be more innocent, less hurtful, and more encouraging.

I know for sure that when I'm thinking positive and feeling positive, I am way more apt to be speaking positively. I'm making a conscious effort to unearth the crappy stuff in my heart and get back to the good stuff.  I urge others to do the same despite unwelcoming circumstances.  Let go of the stink surrounding you and push forward to the good stuff.  Life is better that way.

Blah

I may not be a smart woman, but I know what exhaustion is. I am beginning to question my own sanity, and this post will be one that allows me to vent. I am sure I will look back on it and say, "Oh Sam, it wasn't THAT bad."

Let me begin by saying that I love my children dearly! I really do. This combination of head cold, pregnancy sickness and hormones, exhaustion due to sick children not sleeping, and still trying to keep up at home and work is NOT a flattering combination for me. I look terrible. I feel slightly worse than I look, and I have no patience.

My daughter has told me several times that I am mean. I expect this. Parents are always mean at some point. One night she prayed that God would give me a better day tomorrow and just make me really really really happy. I take that as an indication of that day. Not a good sign right? She woke up from a nap the other day, and kept looking at me funny. When I asked why, she merely said, "I love you mommy. You are sweet." When I replied that she did not think I was sweet early that day, she explained, using both hands like her father, that not only did a nap replace her energy and make her in a better mood, but nap time and night time makes mommies in a better mood too. I was deemed no longer sour, but sweet. So for as much as my children drain me during this time, they also encourage me.

I truly am beginning to wonder what I was thinking about a third. We really had gotten to a point of ease and comfort and now who knows what we are in for? Am I crazy? Is it normal to jump into a stage of serious doubt when weeks ago I would have told you exactly how SURE I was about a 3rd baby? I'm overwhelmed and not feeling well and my children are too smart for me. I'm not sure how they stay just one step ahead of me. With the throwing of spaghettios on the floor just before I get to them, or needing a bath on the off night due to yogurt in the hair, or the washing sheets in the middle night due to a cough induced barfing incident. I am worn OUT! And this third one hasn't really even done anything yet. We have so much to look forward to and so much to fear. Someone reassure me. I'm scared.

I thought I'd Never. . .

I've come to realize in recent days that my life is filled with things I never thought I'd do. Though embaressing, to keep myself accountable, I thought I'd share a few.

I thought I'd never drive a minvan. (I bought a Freestyle because its a wagon, but according to the state of IL its a van.)

I thought I would never let my kids sleep in my bed. (It doesn't happen frequently, but Miles was a bit more spoiled when I brought him home from the hospital, and I was a bit more tired chasing 2.)

I thought I would never own a dog.

I thought I would never work while my kids were small, but have come to enjoy the grownup time outside my house.

I thought I would never yell at my daughter.

I thought I would never leave my kids in the car for 30 seconds while I ran back into a building. (Only once and never again. Maggie left Link her snuggly security monster in my office and both kids were already snuggled and strapped in on a cold and rainy day.)

I thought I would never have to raise my kids without my mom around.

I thought I would never watch the movie Twilight.

I thought I would never see the day there would be an African American president. (I'm so glad I did.)

I thought I would never tire of my love of cooking. (Something about feeding picky toddlers makes it seem hopeless.)

I thought I would never smoke a cigarette. (Thank you Austin, TX.)

I thought I would never dance in front of other people in my adulthood. (Thank you martini night.)

I thought I would never do one of those side businesses that people do like Scentsy or Mary Kay, etc. I now sell Tupperware and am looking for clients willing to host parties or have a book party. (You know how to reach me.)

I thought I would never be the one with the tantruming kid in public. (Now I may end up throwing myself down on the floor along side her.)

I thought I would never be as happy and fulfilled and loved as I am now. And here I am.

Feel free to share some things you thought you would never do. Life is full of them, and rarely to they end up being the regrets we previously imagined them to be. I love my minivan. ;)

Held

God knows. He holds us. When everything is falling apart. He holds us.

Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know?

Round my parts is pretty much common knowledge at this point, that one of my brothers, has made some poor choices. Choices which led their ex-girlfriend to immaculate conception. I'm not sure how he did it. But that is the only explanation, as it is beyond my comprehension for it to have happened any other way. Nonetheless, I am uber-disappointed, and really trying to work through my feelings about this one. It is officially official, that I have never been called and told that I would be an aunt, and have it be an exciting and joyous occasion. I'm still hoping that one day it will. I'm sure it will.

At this point I am feeling confusion, and a whole lot of anger. You do what you can to prepare young people to make the best decisions, and even the ones you think you can count on, are bound to screw up. Of screw someone else. Whatever the case may be. The thing I am struggling with most, are my feelings toward this girl. With my other siblings, I at least wasn't completley thrown for a loop. They had been dating their others for quite a while. They weren't stable by any means, but I could make sense of it. This situation is beyond me. A short relationship. A girl that I have yet to figure out, and can't bring myself to really like. I'm trying, but its harder now. And I have this nagging feeling that it was an intentional play, you know, the oldest trick in the book? And by the time he receieved the news, they were broken up, and to this point remain so.

I'll admit, after a dinner at a friend's and a couple of glasses of wine, I got fed up with the Facebook fodder on the subject and left some unsavory remarks. I ended up emailing and apologizing, but is it terrible that I still feel slight vindication? I know that I need to push forward and work on being the person I am made to be, and not the one I feel like, but that just gets harder and harder. Its so hard to be nice to someone that you can't seem to tolerate. I've been there before, and I'll manage again. If someone could give me wise counsel on this matter, it would be greatly appreciated. I mean, its not easy to be the bigger person, especially when you are only 5 feet tall.

I hope and mostly pray for God's leadership and guidance for my actions in this matter. I hope and pray more for theirs. I can be angry, sad, disappointed, but what I can't do is let that overshadow this new being, that deserves the best of things despite the situation. God still makes good of all things. He always has, and He always will. I just wonder if there will ever come a time that I don't question His ways.

Tough Week

This week has been a tough week for me. I have alot going on between work and children. I totally missed a dentist appointment. I never miss those. I have a cute dentist. I try to make all of my appointments. ;)

Aside from that, I have several friends going through some tough times. I have to say that I am blown away by the way God is moving in and through these situations. Something sad or hard doesn't have to determine a person's outlook or attitude. Something hard or sad can be a beautifully challenging and trying experience that changes you for the better. I'm currently struggling, debating, and delving into issues I have left untouched for many years. Recent events have made them even more personal, so I feel like I have no choice but to jump. I am questioning things about my faith, though not my faith in itself. While its tough, and I want an easy answer, I feel refreshed by the challenge. There is something uplifting about truly seeking God's answer to questions, even if there is no "right" answer.

As Miley Cyrus (or her songwriters) so appropriately said, "It ain't about how fast we get there, it ain't about what's waiting on the other side. Its the climb." Cheesy comparison, but its true. Every day I am thankful that I get to be part of this great adventure. I have big dreams and hopes. I can't wait to see what is in store for our family, and I am ready for the challenges that are ahead. I see how the world gets in and tries to keep things from happening, and I think that God and, myself, with His help are so much bigger than it all. Yeeha life! Here I come.

Cursed from generation to generation

I've been reading through the old testament, and I have noticed more than once, God's promise to curse people far past their own generation. He promises to curse them from generation to generation. I've heard pastors speak on cycles of sin that permeate through families from generation to generation. I see it in my own family. It frightens me. Being one of the very few in my family choosing to walk in the Christian faith, I struggle with all that has happened within my family. Lying, cheating, stealing, alcoholism, drug addiction, murder. When and where does it end. I feel like my family is a microcosm of the world. My brother is going through hard times with his wife, and she is filing for divorce. He is making statements that sound so familiar and scary. So similar to what ran through my ears four years ago. I am powerless to stop anything from happening, and can only pray that he gets right with God and himself. I guess I need to come to terms with the fact that I cannot break the cycle for someone else, only for myself and my family. I see the difference in my life from my brother and my sister. I'm hopeful for them, and continually praying that things can change for them, but so much of it lies in their choices. They know the truth, but its a matter of choosing to do what they know is right. I can't tell them what to do. I can only pray.