I am a sentimental (wo)man

Ok, I'm not generally a sentimental woman, but there are 2 things that get the sentiment flowing in this lady's heart.
1. Fall
2. Being pregnant

I am not sure why it is, but fall stirs something inside me. It makes me reminiscent. Being pregnant makes me weepy and sappy, so this fall in particular, I am a sentimental mess. In my current state you will find me missing many things:
1. Cherry Cola Now 'n Laters, a fall candy that is no longer produced. Its not fair to be pregnant and crave the impossible.
2. Home. I miss Joliet, and the crummy old house on Campbell St.
3. Dan's caramel apples
4. Linda's Pizza
5. Joliet Central football
6. My mom being around for my birthday
7. Being around for my mom's birthday
8. Mom's comfort food
9. Regular Now n Laters
10. CYC
11. The crappy old minivan I drove around in high school with the door that would fall off. So fun!
12. I was lovingly reminded today by my cube-mate at work how good Merichka's is. . . thanks Matt. Now I miss that too.
13. So many people that I care about spread out all over the country. If I could gather you up in one place for one night to wear jammies, stay up late talking, and watch stupid girl movies sans, you know I would. I hope you know who you are.

Things I am sentimental about and am currently enjoying
1. Joe Purdy's CD - 4th of July. If you don't have it, get it. Its perfect open the windows and let the cool breeze blow kind of music. Even though its entitled 4th of July, its all fall to me baby.
2. Watching my daughter marvel at the changing leaves and fall.
3. Chasing Miles around in his fake leather jacket from Target that makes him look like such a stud. Yes I spent too much money on it, but every guy needs a cool jacket. Lucas Motley would agree, and he would be proud. I'll post pictures soon.
4. Being on, hopefully the tale end of this pregnancy sickness, and being able to cook dinner occasionally.
5. All my shows being back on TV.
6. All the possibilities of life.
7. God always changing my heart.

Blah

I may not be a smart woman, but I know what exhaustion is. I am beginning to question my own sanity, and this post will be one that allows me to vent. I am sure I will look back on it and say, "Oh Sam, it wasn't THAT bad."

Let me begin by saying that I love my children dearly! I really do. This combination of head cold, pregnancy sickness and hormones, exhaustion due to sick children not sleeping, and still trying to keep up at home and work is NOT a flattering combination for me. I look terrible. I feel slightly worse than I look, and I have no patience.

My daughter has told me several times that I am mean. I expect this. Parents are always mean at some point. One night she prayed that God would give me a better day tomorrow and just make me really really really happy. I take that as an indication of that day. Not a good sign right? She woke up from a nap the other day, and kept looking at me funny. When I asked why, she merely said, "I love you mommy. You are sweet." When I replied that she did not think I was sweet early that day, she explained, using both hands like her father, that not only did a nap replace her energy and make her in a better mood, but nap time and night time makes mommies in a better mood too. I was deemed no longer sour, but sweet. So for as much as my children drain me during this time, they also encourage me.

I truly am beginning to wonder what I was thinking about a third. We really had gotten to a point of ease and comfort and now who knows what we are in for? Am I crazy? Is it normal to jump into a stage of serious doubt when weeks ago I would have told you exactly how SURE I was about a 3rd baby? I'm overwhelmed and not feeling well and my children are too smart for me. I'm not sure how they stay just one step ahead of me. With the throwing of spaghettios on the floor just before I get to them, or needing a bath on the off night due to yogurt in the hair, or the washing sheets in the middle night due to a cough induced barfing incident. I am worn OUT! And this third one hasn't really even done anything yet. We have so much to look forward to and so much to fear. Someone reassure me. I'm scared.

Today

Today is what Jeremy and I like to call our fake anniversary. For those who don't know, we got married twice. Shortly after my mom died, living arrangements had to change suddenly, and with Jeremy living in the church parsonage, my choices were somewhat limited. We consulted with the pastor, and all agreed that it would be totally fine for us to marry 2 months early. And so our adventure began. We went and got the marriage license, and waited for Friday to come. That Friday, Jeremy took a half day at work, and so did I! A half day to go get married. We dressed up, and drove to the Dupage County Courthouse, where we were given a number and told to wait. Couple number 19 sat (that was us), and watched the room full of other couples. Some of them were obviously pregnant, doing the shot gun wedding thing, with a bridal party in full dress. Some were dressed in jeans and shirts, looking like they were out at Applebee's. We were dressed up, with Melanie there to be our witness. They called our name, and we went into a bland court room, where a judge married us. When we came out, a cute little old lady volunteer was there to take our picture. Post wedding, we headed for a fancy lunch to celebrate, at the Olive Garden. What a great day. 6 years ago today I married my wonderful husband. I love him more every day.

6 years

Yesterday marked the 6th year anniversary of my mother's tragic death, and I can hardly believe all that time has past. To say that the past 6 years have been eventful is an understatement. They have been packed to the gills with change, love, friends, and family. I truly couldn't be more blessed in that respect. I have such an appreciation of all that I have gained in these 6 years. Perspective has been given to me that I might not have attained if things had gone differently. For all that I have gained though, its hard not to acknowledge what I have been missing all this time.

Things that I miss:
1. Her laugh. I miss that Jeremy and I could always set her laughing, without being able to stop.
2. Her calling me to say Happy Birthday. I remember that my senior year of college, she waited until 10:30 to call me because she thought I'd be busy. Little did she know I was very upset, and crying because I thought she'd forgot. I guess I didn't realize that would be the last birthday wish I would get.
3. I missed getting to see the look on her face when she saw my kids. They are beautiful, and there is no doubt in my mind that she would have loved them dearly, and they would have loved her just as much, if not more.
4. The way she smelled. I actually grew up not really liking the perfume she wore, but sometimes I catch the scent of her in the grocery store, and it nearly brings me to my knees. Knowing full well that its probably some other lady wearing her perfume or using patchouli oil, I can't help but think she's brushed past me.
5. Her loyalty and love of people. She was one of the most accepting and loving people I've known. Though she could be quick to anger, she was just as quick to reconcile and forgive. I'm so thankful that I inherited that quality from her.
6. Her reminders of what is important in life, and money definitely never was.

I hope to dance, bake, craft, and play with my children the way she did. I hope that someday, my children will like being around me so much that they fake a tummy ache to spend a solitary day in my company, as I did with her.

Its funny, that in passing a comment on my status of 6 years since her death struck me. It said, "Six years and you are still dealing with stuff." I am. In so many ways. I don't think there will be a certain number of years that will past and I will reach the finish line of dealing with what has happened. I think you forever reprocess and rethink such an event. It changes you forever, and I think it keeps changing you.

I miss my mom, and I aspire to be the person she would have wanted me to be. I hope that I can make her proud.

Moments

There are those few times, far between, when God makes things abundantly clear. Where He shows you without a doubt exactly what you should be doing, and he directs your path by providing exactly what you need to get where you are going. I haven't had many of those moments of clarity in my own life, but I am always inspired to see those around me blessed by such opportunities. I got to watch one of those moments happen tonight, and I feel extremely blessed by the people that God has placed not only in my life, but the lives of my family members. God has surrounded us with an unbelievable community and friends. I'm grateful for their presence in our lives, and I truly see people living God's love ever day.

Peace

I've got peace like a river. Peace like a river. Peace like a river in my soul.

While my heart has been a tumultuous mess lately, trying to figure out the who, what, when and wheres of my life, I've been slowing down, or speeding up, not sure which, to appreciate the people in my life. Letting the kids stay up a bit later to enjoy the friends around us, and I've been loving it.

Maggie is playing T-Ball on Monday evenings with tons of families and friends from our neighborhood and church, and its amazing to see the big kids mentor the little ones and show them what to do.

I love meeting with the people around me to plan a 3rd of July bike parade for our neighborhood to give people the opportunity to build relationships and find a place in their community.

I loved loved loved going shopping with a good friend and towing our four cumulative kids to the mall, and then eating at BD's Mongolian barbecue. We got asked more than once if our boys were twins or the girls were, or whether all four kids were one of ours. I bet few people realize that piling a bunch of veggies and meat into a bowl and watching guys cook it with sticks that they toss up in the air, makes new foods good, and 2 and 3 year olds adventurous eaters. I bet you also didn't know that teaching your children to use their words to tell people how they feel, can lead to them using their sad faces to manipulate the kids around them.

I loved going out for Father's Day with the family even though we sat at a table for an hour before our food actually arrived. I love to see the people that got has provided in my life, old and new, and I look forward to the chance to spend time with both. No matter what happens with work or money, the things that really matter, people, will always be a joy to me.

Know when to hold'em, know when to fold'em

I am doing a whole lot of soul searching lately. I've found myself in a distressing place of transition. I think with all the drama that has plagued my life since I was small, I've gone out of my way to create an environment of stability and comfort for myself and for my family. I try to keep us financially a step above where I was growing up, all the while allowing myself enough time at home with the kiddos to make us all happy. I try to keep my house neat, but also allow myself the freedom to leave a mess here and there, knowing I can clean it up tomorrow or after the kids go to bed. I like balance in my home and professional life. All of these things make it so much harder to deal with what is going on in my life now.

Currently things have to change, and for the moment, I am not sure how. Faced with the possibility of losing my current arrangement that allows me to bring my kids with me to work, I find myself faced with the possibility of having to pay for child care on the same salary and budget that had never factored in that option. My current budget does not have room for that cost, and my pay is not enough to really consider it. And yet it looms over me. So, I am not sure what to do, or where God is leading me. Do I work out an arrangement to pay someone to watch the kids and continue where I am? Do I look for something else to do? Do I try and find someone to watch my kids for free, even though the sheer thought of imposing on someone makes me sick to my stomach? What do I do when my current tithe is almost exactly the amount my childcare would cost through my employer? What about the fact that one of my childcare options may not be open in 6 months? What about the fact that I may lose all of my benefits at work if different changes happen instead? I am currently faced with so many uncertainties. I am scared and overwhelmed.

These are the moments that are hardest for me. Being a such an independent and self-reliant person for so long has made it even more difficult to let go and trust. I have to rely completely on God now, to guide me. I need to trust that regardless of what happens, He is there, seeing me through this tough patch. I am sad and discouraged. I know that deep down things will work out, but I toss and turn at the thought of it.

I only wish it didn't make me dream of zombies every night, intermingled with the occasional teeth falling out dream.

In all things God works for the good of those who love Him and have been called according to his purpose. On bumpy trails, God's spirit never fails. - Mike Holt
(A day camp song Mike wrote to teach Bible verses to the kids.)