Oh baby baby, how was I supposed to know?

Round my parts is pretty much common knowledge at this point, that one of my brothers, has made some poor choices. Choices which led their ex-girlfriend to immaculate conception. I'm not sure how he did it. But that is the only explanation, as it is beyond my comprehension for it to have happened any other way. Nonetheless, I am uber-disappointed, and really trying to work through my feelings about this one. It is officially official, that I have never been called and told that I would be an aunt, and have it be an exciting and joyous occasion. I'm still hoping that one day it will. I'm sure it will.

At this point I am feeling confusion, and a whole lot of anger. You do what you can to prepare young people to make the best decisions, and even the ones you think you can count on, are bound to screw up. Of screw someone else. Whatever the case may be. The thing I am struggling with most, are my feelings toward this girl. With my other siblings, I at least wasn't completley thrown for a loop. They had been dating their others for quite a while. They weren't stable by any means, but I could make sense of it. This situation is beyond me. A short relationship. A girl that I have yet to figure out, and can't bring myself to really like. I'm trying, but its harder now. And I have this nagging feeling that it was an intentional play, you know, the oldest trick in the book? And by the time he receieved the news, they were broken up, and to this point remain so.

I'll admit, after a dinner at a friend's and a couple of glasses of wine, I got fed up with the Facebook fodder on the subject and left some unsavory remarks. I ended up emailing and apologizing, but is it terrible that I still feel slight vindication? I know that I need to push forward and work on being the person I am made to be, and not the one I feel like, but that just gets harder and harder. Its so hard to be nice to someone that you can't seem to tolerate. I've been there before, and I'll manage again. If someone could give me wise counsel on this matter, it would be greatly appreciated. I mean, its not easy to be the bigger person, especially when you are only 5 feet tall.

I hope and mostly pray for God's leadership and guidance for my actions in this matter. I hope and pray more for theirs. I can be angry, sad, disappointed, but what I can't do is let that overshadow this new being, that deserves the best of things despite the situation. God still makes good of all things. He always has, and He always will. I just wonder if there will ever come a time that I don't question His ways.

What's flub got to do with it?

Its got a whole heck of a lot to do with it, thats what. So I'm about to go there on post-baby weight. If you aren't interested, look away. Besides, thats what I do every day as I get dressed. I look away. I cringe, and look away. Whoever, said that to lose weight after the second baby was harder, was dead right, and I think I might despise them a little for it.

After Maggie, I was back into pre-pregnancy clothes about a month after she was born. Maybe a little less. I was able to zip my pre-preggo jeans and sneak her over to the work Christmas party. This is probably a little bit out of the ordinary for most new moms, but I only gained 15 pounds with her due to extreme food aversions. I felt great, and was actually slightly thinner than before I had a baby. Thank you piggy daughter that wanted to eat every 2 hours. You were my lifesaver.

Now to Miles. With Miles I gained the normal 30ish pounds. For some reason, Miles made me like things I didn't like before being pregnant, including cake and bacon. Now I love both. Miles, you are my nemesis. I am still hanging onto more than several pounds and cannot even pull on my pre-pregoo jeans, much less zip them. I'm discouraged and frustrated. I can't afford a new, flattering wardrobe, so I make due on a mix of fat clothes and maternity clothes. UGH! Its awful. I've heard the old adage, it takes 9 monts to put it on, same to take it off. Miles is 10 months old now. What happened? I don't eat excessively, but am still nursing, and thus hungry the majority of the time. I've heard that when you are nursing, your body holds on to a few pounds until you stop, as a back up for baby. I hope to God thats true, because I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror. I can't do a really low cal diet either, due to the nursing. I guess I have to exercise my patience, which is terribly difficult when it comes to not having anything to wear. Seriously. Help. If someone could tell me where to squeeze in a few trips to the gym between, work, caring for the kids, and Jer's work schedule, I would gladly take a pointer. I simply can't bear the thought of waking up at 5 to go to the gym before I start my day. That sounds like PURE TORTURE. I feel like its hard enough to get up at 6:30 with the kids.

I don't know how to end this entry. Thats pretty much all I have to say.

Where did I go wrong?

A friend and fellow blogger posted recently about her feelings of mom guilt. With a new baby and a career, these feelings are par for the course. I too struggle with mom guilt and balancing a career. I think these feelings are totally normal and expected.

Lately though, I feel like I'm struggling with friend, Christian, family guilt. I feel like I need to figure out where I went wrong in each relationship with my friends, family members, co workers, fellow Christians, and heck, the guy I don't let wash my windows on the way to Midway airport because I'm not going to pay him. We all know your windows look worse if you do anyway. Did my role in their life play a part in leading them to the sad state that they are currently in? If so, how?
Could I keep my friends from going into bankruptcy? Can I influence someone to go back to college? Did it really matter that I didn't give a dollar to the window guy?

I'm beginning to realize, and only recently, that I can't save the world. Who knew? Apparently, I didn't. We need to stop taking on everyone's burden. I'm reading a book called Boundaries. In the book, reference is made to a passage in scripture that refers to each person first carrying their own burdens, and only helping with the burdens that one cannot handle alone. This doesn't mean that we need to take on everyone else's struggles. We are there to help and support, but ultimately adults make their own decisions, and must therefore live with the consequences brought on by such choices. I cannot, should not, and will no longer adopt everyone else's crises as my own. I can do my best as a friend, family member, and good Christian, to assist in those burdens that need an extra set of hands, but I can't make them my own. While I may initially feel some guilt about this, in the end I will be healthier and happier for it.

Surprise surprise surprise

Sometimes I feel like life is a semi-truck that has just lain me flat. While I am laid out on the pavement I struggle with even attempting to get back up, or whether I should stay put. If I stay put, there is a good chance that the next semi will roll right over me without so much as a bump or a bruise. I can avoid the pain that will come with the next rumble of tragedy, as those wheels come barreling at me. I can cower and wait. I can cry and pity myself and those that are affected by life's latest surprise. That is what I could do. It sounds easier. Peaceful almost. That warm pavement pressed against my face sometimes feels safe, familiar. I'm so used to being back there, smelling the tar of failure or regret. Feeling the gravel dig into my skin like so many unanswered questions. But I get back up. I cringe as I pull myself to stand, bracing for impact. I forgot how nice the cool breeze feels upon my face, so different from the hot black top. I breathe, and as the crisp air fills my lungs, I am renewed with as much hope as oxygen. I brush off the gravel, and stifle the "what if's." I turn away from the traffic and walk. Life is so much more the combination of these hikes and traumas. And as I listen to the noises of the birds and look into the vivid blue sky, I remember how much better it is to keep walking. Pressed flat against the ground, I miss the wind.

Patience is a virtue

I have never been the most patient person I know. I don't really like to wait, especially on other people. The thing that brings me to my very lowest threshold for tolerance or patience of any kind is my dog. She is not a bad dog. Everyone tells me how great she is all the time. Nothing incites pure rage in my like my animail. For example, today, after she peed and pooped on the carpet, I put her out the front door for fear that I would cause her bodily harm. I cannot tolerate the dog any longer, and yet I have no option in terms of ridding myself of her. She is my punishment sent from God for whatever it is that deserves punishment. If I had a huge house with a yard and somewhere to put her, I could probably develop a fondness for her. In this close proximity though, I'm lukcy I haven't hurt her. I know this makes me a bad person, but I don't think there is anything I can do to fix it. Someone tell me how to stop hating her. . .

Tough Week

This week has been a tough week for me. I have alot going on between work and children. I totally missed a dentist appointment. I never miss those. I have a cute dentist. I try to make all of my appointments. ;)

Aside from that, I have several friends going through some tough times. I have to say that I am blown away by the way God is moving in and through these situations. Something sad or hard doesn't have to determine a person's outlook or attitude. Something hard or sad can be a beautifully challenging and trying experience that changes you for the better. I'm currently struggling, debating, and delving into issues I have left untouched for many years. Recent events have made them even more personal, so I feel like I have no choice but to jump. I am questioning things about my faith, though not my faith in itself. While its tough, and I want an easy answer, I feel refreshed by the challenge. There is something uplifting about truly seeking God's answer to questions, even if there is no "right" answer.

As Miley Cyrus (or her songwriters) so appropriately said, "It ain't about how fast we get there, it ain't about what's waiting on the other side. Its the climb." Cheesy comparison, but its true. Every day I am thankful that I get to be part of this great adventure. I have big dreams and hopes. I can't wait to see what is in store for our family, and I am ready for the challenges that are ahead. I see how the world gets in and tries to keep things from happening, and I think that God and, myself, with His help are so much bigger than it all. Yeeha life! Here I come.

Five years later

Inevitably life is hard at times. Everyone goes through tough and trying circumstances. Often times they feel unbearable, but when you look back you are suprised by your own strength. You never realized you could make it through something like that.

I look back at my life and there are many of these times, but clearly one that sticks out more than others. Five years ago on July 21st, I woke at 5am to the death of my mother through tragic circumstances. Five years ago I changed. I spent a year in mourning, going through those normal phases, denial, acceptance, etc. I moved on suprisigly well for such a desperate time.

The worst thing about this whole situation is that five years later we are still wrapped up in it. Five years later it is not over. So on top of my daily stresses, we wait and listen for news on the wrongful death suit. Five years later we try to figure out the estate, now that my stepfather is also gone. Five years later we are told we have to start over and re-organize and repack everything that we have already packed up and stored in sheds. Five years later I have 2 small children that I would rather spend my time with. Five years later I am working through the highest stress part of the year at my job. Five years later I am older and stronger, but still feel weak at the mention of any of these things.

I look back and see how strong I was. How can I not cope with these minor temporary things? God give me peace and grace to push through as I know I can. Help me not to feel overwhelmed. Give me the wisdom to go to others and vent, talk and laugh about the things that bother me. Thank you God for those around me who love and support me, cry and laugh with me. I have this entanglement of feelings of confindence in my strengths and abilities, overwhelming love for myself and those around me, and fear that I will fail. Above all though I know that I am happy with my life choices and excited to see where I end up. It nearly brings me to tears to think about how good life and God are, even in the hardest of times.